Memories of Not Running Away
by InSearchOfSky
Summary: Slow burn Self-Insert that tries to be different. My goal is somewhere between realistic and cinematic, not this romanticized fluff that all other SI's seem to end up as. No broken technology, no overpowered swordplay, this is more about fighting the mind and overcoming mental blocks rather than fighting big bads (but big bads there will be). Eh, you'll see. If you read it, I mean.
1. Day 1 Part 1

**Great Tree Moon, 4/20 1180 (Sunday)  
**Professor's Log, Day 1 Part 1: "Konnichiwa, Fódlan!"

Well, this is a thing.

I've always hated school, right? Pretty relatable, I know. I love video games, anime, books, fanfictions, stories, whatever, and I hate school. I can't say I've never wanted something supernatural to happen to me, but I'm a cynic, a realist, a skeptic, and a pessimist. I know all too well as a 16-year-old kid that my future looms high and dark in front of me. And it's always been a dream of mine to, y'know, break down the organized structure of society, change the convoluted corruption of the world and revolt. But I'm a cynic, a realist, a skeptic, and a pessimist. Change doesn't come easily or supernaturally.

Or, that's how I _was._ Imagine me, thinking about how I procrastinated on doing my homework and would, once again, have to do it in homeroom, I had just stopped playing a video game, I was thinking about anime, and was ready to shower and go to sleep. Kind of despicable, certainly shameful (I had eaten nothing but candy aside from dinner), trying to convince myself that I wasn't actually worried about my future in the same way that a kid with a nightmare thinks that if they shut their eyes tight enough, their fear won't be able to harm them.

I turned on the shower while I brushed my teeth, because my shower always takes like a minute to warm up, and it saves time if you finish brushing your teeth while it's warming. I finished brushing my teeth, put in my invisalign, and stripped, ready to get into the shower that was finally warm. Then I remembered that I forgot to set out my outfit for the next day, so I slipped on my pajama bottoms again—even though I was home alone—and quickly threw onto the floor of my room a shirt, underwear, socks, and no pants because none of the three pairs of pants that I wear were in my drawer. I thought that I'd have to ask my mom in the morning. I ran back to the bathroom, took off my pants, and stepped into Fódlan.

Yeah. It was one of those days.

I would say something corny like, "_my first thought was," _but I have no idea what I thought at the time. I like to think that I'm smart, but it was such a strange event that I don't think I thought, if that makes sense. I know that I looked around, and I was in what looked to be a bedroom. By which I mean, it was a room with a bed, and a bed that looked like I(?) had slept in the night before.

Thought returned to me. If I remember correctly, I said, "What the hell?" and at hearing my voice I said, "What the hell?" again.

_Who are you!?_ I thought. Except I didn't. Well, it was thought, but it wasn't _me_ that thought it.

"Uh… What?" I said lamely.

_What are you doing in my body!?_ I didn't think.

With that decidedly ominous sentence in combination with my voice, I had a terrible, awful, no good, very bad suspicion. I looked down at my body and nooooope nope nope nope nope I'm a girl now.

Yeah. It was one of those days.

Three deep breaths later, I confronted the not-me in my mind.

_Listen, I don't know who you are or why I'm here but if we both calm down, we can find out together, I think,_ I thought.

A pause, presumably where not-me was doing some imaginary breaths of her own. _Okay, I'm willing to do that._ I didn't think.

_Let's start with the basics. I'm Lucien, I live in Massachusetts, and up until 5 minutes ago I was pretty confident that I was a man._ Good, good, I thought to myself like an idiot. There can't be a third mindfuck for me today, right? Two's surely enough, right?

_Hello Lucien. My name is Byleth, I'm female, and—_

"Christ on a bike, I've been isekai'd," I said, and my first reaction was to put my(?) head in my hands. I've been brought to another world, ala Metallover's Self Insert, but way less funny.

_What did you say?_ I heard in my head.

_Well, you know when I said that I don't know who you are? I didn't know at the time, but I think that I know now. It's complicated._

Then she asked two questions_. Well, how do you know me?_ I was expecting that question. _And what language are you speaking aloud?_ I was not expecting that one.

_What do you mean, what language? It's English, the same as—Oh fuck_, I thought to myself.

For you see, dear reader, Fire Emblem is owned by Nintendo. Y'know, a _Japanese _company. All of their games are originally in Japanese. There is _no fucking reason _aside from plot convenience that if I were isekai'd, we wouldn't be speaking the original language the game was created in. I don't know Japanese. Fuck.

Yeah. It was one of those days.

_This just got even more complicated than I originally thought_, I thought.

_What do you mean?_ Byleth asked me.

_So I don't know if this is how this little mind-communication thing works, but I'm pretty sure that I don't speak your language, and that the only reason we can communicate is because we're not talking, we're using a sort of telepathy that uses thoughts, not words. So even though we're picturing words when we're thinking, what the other person is receiving is our meanings behind the words._

A pause.

_...Okay. And?_

_This is going to be a pain in the ass to explain so I'm about to try something and hope that it works. _I sort of pushed all of my memories, everything that I was and knew, to the forefront of my mind, and hoped Byleth would sort of sort it all out.

At the time, I thought this was very smart. However, I forgot that I'm an idiot. I pushed _everything_. Every time I've been embarrassed, every time I've been aroused, every time I've… *cough*. And, as Byleth now tells me, she really, _really_ didn't need to know about a lot of that stuff. Even though she was flattered I'd felt that way about her. Which is mortifying.

While Byleth was processing the 16 years of memories I'd unloaded onto her, I got dressed, which was a new experience. Among other things, I began to contemplate why in God's—or should I say Seiros's (or should I say Sothis's)—name Byleth's outfit had a navel cutout.

I assumed that I was at the beginning of the game, so sometime in the near future Jeralt would wake me up and I'd have to route the bandits with the three lords. Only, I didn't know how to fight, I wasn't a strategist, I didn't know the language, and I was in a different gendered body. I was capital "F" Fucked. Well, since I'm writing this down now, you readers at least know that I survived.

_I think I get it,_ Byleth finally (you know what? From now on, since it's way easier, I'm just going to say "said." You're all smart people and you get it, right?) said to me.

_Really? Can you explain it to me, because I sure as hell don't_.

Byleth ignored me, which would become a valuable skill in her repertoire in the near future. _I'm going to do the same thing as you now. Are you ready?_

_Bombs away!_

I could not explain the sensation if I tried. I will try, however. It was as if I'd been shot by a jet of pressurized water straight into the brain, only instead of stinging pain where the water hit it was a single condensed emotion and image. It was as if my entire sense of self had been disassembled and assembled twice as large in the same space. I felt nostalgic for things I'd never known, embarrassed by words I'd never spoken, hurt by pain I'd never felt, the whole shabang, so to speak. Also, yup, everything was in Japanese, which it now felt like I knew (keyword: "felt").

_Well that sucked,_ I said when the waves of memory soup subsided.

_Indeed_.

_Speaking of sucking, I'm paranoid as shit and I want to check something._

I tried saying a couple words in Japanese, and felt like a total weeb.

"Konnichiwa. Beresu desu."

_Oh my god._ Byleth said.

_What?_

_Your pronunciation is awful._

Ah fuck, I thought, it was like I feared. That means that I'm not Neo from The Matrix, all "I know Kung Fu" after experiencing the memories of something. Which means I'll also suck at fighting. You need discipline, experience, and mass repetition as well as memories in order to succeed, and no amount of memories or knowledge alone can entirely compensate for that.

_So how do I say it correctly?_ I mean, I knew I would suck, but I had kind of hoped all the anime I watched would save me.

_こんにちは、ベレスです__, _Byleth said to me (I figure she must have not thought of the meaning behind the words, which is why it sounded like Japanese in my head).

I began to panic, big time. It may not seem like a big deal, but I was thinking ahead and I was not liking the near future, to put it lightly.

How was I not going to fuck everything up as soon as Jeralt walks into the room? How was I going to teach students if I couldn't speak their language, how was I not going to die by the hands of bandits in an hour if I didn't know how to fight?

_Not to worry, Lucien. I have an idea._ _I want you to try relinquishing control of a part of my body; relax all of the muscles, act as if it isn't connected to the brain, exile it from your mind._

There really wasn't anything better for me to do, so I relaxed the muscles in my left arm completely, looked away from it, and closed my eyes, trying to forget that it was there.

I heard a sprinkling of delighted laughter inside of my mind, and I opened my eyes to see that my left arm was moving around of its own accord, stretching outwards and bending the fingers. The sight was so odd that my concentration broke and the arm fell back against the bed.

_You'll have to work on that,_ Byleth said, _but it actually works._ The relief is evident in her thoughts, and that made me realize that although she was characterized as emotionless and solemn in the game, sharing thoughts made it much harder to hide feelings.

I also began thinking of how _she_ must be feeling: to wake up as an imposter in one's own body, someone foreign controlling it. Sure, my situation was bad, but I couldn't help but think that her's was worse.

_What about this?_ I asked her, and detached myself from my mouth.

The jaw moved, and it nearly made me break my focus.

It sounded out some words, and then, so slightly that I could only tell it was doing it because it was on my face, smiled.

_This should be adequate for fitting in, correct? _She asked me.

_Adequate? This is better than I could have imagined! This is even better than if I knew how to fight or speak Japanese all on my own. This way, we can multitask using a single body, increasing our productivity and effectiveness._ Plus, I thought, hoping she didn't hear, it means I won't have to do this alone.

_I suppose your right. Besides, it gives me some control over my body again._

My thoughts softened once again in pity for her. Maybe there was some way to split our minds back, or to create a body that my mind could inhabit. But even if there was, that would make me even more useless than I already was.

_One more thing, Lucien. You… You know my future. All of my possible futures, too. What are you planning to do? These people you have in your memories, it's obvious that they will be important to me. I can lend you my skill, give you my knowledge and expertise and instincts, but I need you to promise me something. Promise that you'll do what it takes to protect those people._

I wanted to say "I promise" back to her, all cool like. And she'd swoon and then I'd march towards the future with a skip in my step and a smile on my face. I wanted to say it, but instead, thoughts rushed into my head. I thought of everything that had been lost to me in the last 15 minutes. I thought of my family, my pets, 9/11, Xenoblade Chronicles, YouTube, the internet, sour Haribo gummy bears, March comes in like a lion, and my closest friends. I thought of laughing and crying and growing older in my own body. Was it worth it? If I had to choose, was it worth it? Was giving up everything worth coming to this world? Would I have made that choice, if I could have? And, most importantly, does it matter? Even if I could have chosen, my answer would be irrelevant at this point. There isn't any of what I've lost in this world anymore. So why was I so hesitant to respond to her?

With a cold feeling of panic washing down my back I realized what it was. I didn't think I could do it. I could barely live my cushy life back on Earth, so how on Fódlan could I be expected to save the world? I liked to think so highly of myself in secret, when the statistics show that basically everyone thinks that they're above average ("illusory superiority"—look it up). I like to lie down comfortably in my bed, pretending to be scared so I can be special, pretending to be special so I can feel good about myself, pretending to feel good about myself so I can be scared. But it's obvious, right? Deep down inside, below all of the layers of lies and deceit, I know that I'm not special, and that I have no right to be scared, and that I should stop feeling good about myself. And this is the terrible loop I find myself in. Wouldn't saying that deep down I know that I'm nothing and that I suck be evidence that I can pretend to be scared to feel special? And then it loops again. The whole story is a cycle, a great big negative feedback loop. And if you ever take a step back to look at the whole loop, that loop becomes just a small part of another feedback loop. This type of shit, this senseless down-talk towards myself is as useless as it is impossible to stop. I'm better off just—

_Lucien! Listen to me._ Byleth's raised voice catches my attention, and I realize that she had said my name several times already.

_Right. Sorry._ I said instinctively. And then a little more heartfelt. _Sorry._

_Lucien, there's nothing to apologize for. In fact, this is more my fault than it is yours. I'm slowly getting a better grasp on your personality through your memories, but I didn't realize this would be how you would react. It's my fault for springing this on you so early._ _And listen to me, I wouldn't ever ask you this if I didn't think you could do it. I probably know more about you than anyone else alive, in this world or yours. And you can trust me when I say that I wholeheartedly believe this is within our grasp. Even if you ever get tired, or are unsure of how to proceed, I'm here. I will always be here to guide your strokes and hone your points. For better or for worse, this is how it will be. So put your chin up. Or else I'll make you._ And her soliloquy was over.

My facade instantly melted away. I had been acting on a sense of base instinct and problem solving up until her question. I had focused all of my attention on the immediate problems at hand, and it wasn't until she asked me to promise her that I had realized what I was even doing. I knew that the Byleth in the game didn't have a personality, but already I was feeling just how real this Byleth was, and how stupid it would be to think of her as just a character, let alone a nonspeaking avatar. Her seemingly impossible level of supportiveness, her clear-cut words and absolute faith in her beliefs, it's really no wonder that she made an amazing professor, and that her students loved her so much. And those were all traits that I didn't have. I'm dead weight, a parasitic fungus that's somehow taken over her entire body, and—

_Do I have to stop you again?_ _Isn't it obvious that without you, at least one of the lords and several classmates _have _to die? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of you coming here?_

_Sorry, sorry. I just… I'm not used to this._ I felt weak. Of course, she wasn't used to it either. But she was also 4 or 5 years older than me, so I supposed that it was natural that she was more composed than I was. But still, I felt that she was almost like an older sister, if I knew what having one felt like, and I got the sneaking suspicion that maybe the one doing all of the cool things, all of the strategizing and fighting and diplomacy, wouldn't be me.

**AN: So, I'm actually posting this. I didn't start this story with the intent to post it, and so I can't guarantee that it will ever be updated super regularly (and at the pace I'm going and the plans I have I'd be a lunatic to think that I can finish this). But yeah. I don't necessarily care if this story is read (don't get me wrong, I appreciate you a shit-ton if you read through that whole thing), and that's why I'm uploading (or at least trying to upload, bear with me I'm new to authorship) this chapter along with the other two parts of the first day. I haven't even started on day 2, but I figured "why the hell not" so I'm posting it. **

**I got pizzazzed up about writing after reading Digibro's KusoMega light novel, and then read Umbral Earth (a good FE3H SI) and felt that I could do something different. SI's have always been a guilty pleasure of mine, especially FEA, but I always had interesting ideas that I never saw implemented. In a way, this story is like the culmination of all of those ideas I've had over the years, so even if the writing sucks, the concepts should hopefully be good. And don't worry, I didn't blow all of the mindfucks on Day 1, I still have some good ideas up in my brain. I'm trying to make this undeniably different than other SI's, even if its actual worth is up for debate, where stuff that's brushed off by other SI's is made the forefront (mainly weakness of the main character, but you'll see).**

**Alright, with that out of the way, Part 2 time! This one's my favorite part (in JoJo and in this story), I think action scenes are super fun. If you review I will 100% read it, and I'll probably respond to it too. Let me know if there's any mistakes, I want my stories to be well composed, and I know I suck at sticking in one tense so if you see that please tell me. Okay peace.**


	2. Day 1 Part 2

**Great Tree Moon, 4/20 1180 (Sunday)  
**Professor's Log, Day 1 Part 2: "The part in which much Kool-Aid is spilt"

I don't know if this has seemed like it's way too much information considering I've written six sheets of paper that take up about half an hour in real time, but I figure that it's important to set up this solid baseline, a foundation of sorts before jumping in to the mad cacophony that would be the next several hours. By the way, this is a new part because I took a break and this is the next day of writing. In fact, it's now been four days since I was transported here, I only started writing after three days.

I finally spoke. _Okay. Whether or not I think that I can do it, Byleth, whether or not I think I can save everyone, if you believe in me, I don't think that there's any choice. I'll just have to believe the you that believes in me, I guess. I promise. Let's save them together._

If Byleth's thoughts could smile, I think that they would have after I said that. _Yes, let's. And Lucien?_

_Yeah?_

_When Jeralt comes in, I want you to—_

Jeralt came in, opening the door slowly at first but upon seeing I was awake, pulled it the rest of the way open. He said something to me in Japanese, but I had forgotten that everyone spoke Japanese so I wasn't prepared for it. But, thanks to Byleth's memories, translating what someone said in Japanese was surprisingly easy, although I did only catch the second half of the sentence.

"...up. Were you having that dream again?"

Ah shit, I didn't want to deal with this. I relaxed the muscles in my mouth and gave it to Byleth. _You can use my memories, or say whatever you think is best._

"I was dreaming about a war…"

"Massive armies clashing on a vast field, right? There hasn't been a battle like that in over three centuries…"

So that's interesting. It looks like nothing has gone terribly wrong yet, because the dialogue was, so far as I could tell, exactly the same as in the game.

Byleth and Jeralt continued their conversation, playing to the game's lines (as much as I remembered them, anyway). All I did was stand up straight and look at him, and Byleth hadn't yelled at me so I probably didn't fuck everything up. I was way more worried than I thought I would be, but looking back now, I had every right to be. If I had messed up then, it could have screwed up everything to come.

And I couldn't help but feel utterly out of place. Looking at Jeralt's very real body, hearing his very real voice, the flex of his muscles as he moved, everything served to remind me that yes, this was _actually_ happening. I felt like a fool; I felt like I could see myself in the third person, standing there awkwardly. Why did it have to be me, an introvert, that was sucked into another world—a world that involves constant and direct communication?

Eh, well, at least I didn't have to do the talking.

A mercenary burst into the room, alerted Jeralt and I of a commotion, and we stepped outside to see fuckboi Dimitri, SJW Claude, and Lysithea without a reduced lifespan (which is to say, Edelgard). While they were chatting away, I realized how short I was. I was a skinny, 6 foot tall guy back on Earth, but although I didn't know Byleth's height, Claude and Dimitri towered over me. I suck at judging height because I was just in the right size that everyone taller than me was tall, and everyone shorter than me was short. Still, I didn't think I even hit 5'8 or 5'9. They all finished their lines, and Jeralt turned to me.

"I'll leave this mission in your hands. Command the students as you wish. Hopefully this will serve as good practice for when you have to lead your own group."

I nodded my head when Byleth signaled me. If we wanted to make it seem like nothing was wrong with the body, we'd had to have Byleth acting as normally as possible. If Byleth would have nodded there, I have to nod. And since Byleth was about to fight and kill several people, I would have to, too.

_So, I assume that I'm just gonna maneuver our body around while you flail about with the sword? Feel free to give me as much direction in where you want to go and what you want me to do as possible. I wanna help out as much as I can._

_Yes, that works. Just try to keep up your concentration on the arm and we should be fine. I'll give you general directions, but for now it's fine if we are a little slow._

I detached my arm from my mind and let Byleth control it. I focused really hard, because if I dropped concentration during an enemy's swing we could easily die. And the more intense the moment was, the more likely I was to lose focus. This could go wrong, and fast.

_Lucien, I will also need you to let me speak to Dimitri, Claude, and Edelgard. I'm really sorry I have to put so much pressure on you when you are so out of sorts already._

_Nah, it's fine. I can do this. I'll need to do it later anyway, so I may as well get practice._

It took a few awkward seconds of staring down the students, but eventually I found how to not think about two parts of the body separately.

"How many could you count?" Byleth asked them.

"I saw six," Edelgard supplied.

"There were seven. A thief was trailing us, but he lost us in the forest. I don't think the others saw," Claude said.

Seven makes sense. Seven enemies: four ruffians, two thieves, and Kostas. Which confirmed the fear that I'd had: this is hard mode.

I mean, considering the difficulty of the game, hopefully that didn't mean too much. But of course, I wouldn't have the luxury of playing this world as if it were a game—it's not like I can look at the world from top-down, see enemy stats and movements, and be able to wait on a single turn indefinitely. At that point in time, I was more or less banking on divine pulses saving my ass. And, spoiler alert, unfortunately I don't think that that will be happening any time soon, so I better brush up on my battle strategy and hope that I'm very, very lucky from here on.

I was freaking the fuck out right about then. If you're me, you're desperately trying to think of a way to somehow relax your whole body, to experience ego death like in that one Vsauce video, and have Byleth just take control for the entire battle. But I knew that that wasn't fucking happening, so I was trying to picture the map of the battle, desperately hoping that it would be the same in reality. I knew that there were trees off to the… right? And there was more or less a straight shot towards Kostas. Probably.

_Fucking fuck, _I uncreatively thought.

Byleth had said something or other inspiring, and the kids lined up beside me. We sort of awkwardly, slowly marched towards the bandits because I was leading but had no idea what to do. Once we were "close enough" (in quotes because I have no idea what that means), Byleth told me to look around and find the enemies' positions, and I realized how much it must suck to not even be able to look around or control your eyes for yourself. Still, I glanced around, and—and I realized that for the first time I was seeing clearly without glasses.

_Wait, look right there,_ Byleth said to me, and I stopped glancing around. _Look closely… Do you see them?_

_Uh… No?_ is what I thought, but then as soon as I thought it I caught the smallest flicker of movement and saw that there were indeed people there. Two brown-clad ne'er-do-wells skulked through the trees (there were trees everywhere actually, but they were off to the right by the main forest), so hidden I never would've spotted them without Byleth's help. One carried an axe, while the other, which seemed to be leading the axe wielder, had a cloak and a sword strapped to his hip; one of the ruffians and one of the thieves.

Byleth controlled the arm that I loosed her and pointed towards the two that we'd spotted. She said, "You three, these are our first targets. I want to see how you'll fight, so I'll stay back for now. It will also give me a position to watch out for the remaining five. Try to separate them from each other while sticking close together yourselves, Dimitri on the left and Edelgard on the right, Claude supporting. If you need help, I'll know and engage."

They all nodded or said some form of agreement and the plan began. I thought that Byleth had sounded very sure of herself, and that the plan looked pretty solid. It was also nice that she used a convenient excuse to allow us to not have to fight unless things got hairy; but if things got hairy, that's when we'd have the worst shot at dealing with it, so maybe it's a double-edged blade.

I knew that the other four bandits advanced each turn, and I was pretty sure that after a certain number of them die then Kostas starts to advance. That means that soon, probably while the three lords are fighting, one or two more bandits would show up. I could either see if the lords could handle adding a couple more guys, or I could distract them so that there was less pressure on the lords.

When two ruffians came charging around the forest, I decided to engage. Byleth drew her sword and I prepared to… Well, I guess I prepared to stand around and hope I wasn't about to be killed.

_Step forward with your left foot on my mark, okay? _Byleth said to me.

_Right,_ I replied, still grappling with the idea that I could quite easily cease to exist in the coming seconds.

They got closer, the one to my left charging ahead of his mate, holding his axe high, so I tagged him as the target of Byleth's swing. When they were a few short steps away, Byleth sounded in my mind. Quickly and deliberately, I stepped staunchly onto my left foot, propelling myself with my right and leaning forwards slightly. It must have worked, because all of the momentum soared through Byleth's arm as she whipped her blade from its sheath and straight through the bandits neck before he even had a chance to begin to lower the axe. It struck so sickeningly cleanly that his body kept moving and slammed into me, and I fell back, my hands pushed behind me to break my fall. Except, remember, I only had access to one hand, and so all the weight of my body fell against my left hand and my ass. Also, there was a heavy-ass body on top of me. My arm stung badly, and I dimly made the connection through the pain that that was more or less how I broke my arm as a kid—I lost my balance and supported all of my weight on one hand, and it snapped.

Fortunately, Byleth's body was made from stronger stuff than 9-year-old Lucien (guess she drinks more milk), and although I could infer it'd be sprained, I didn't feel the white-hot pain of a broken bone. Unfortunately, blood from Mr. Axe's headless body gushed out his neck and more or less soaked my entire—well, let's go with that it soaked my entire chest (Byleth is scolding me right now as I write this). Not only was this disgusting, it was also disgusting. And also, it was disturbing. And disgusting. It was warm and dark red and coming from such a gruesome sight that if I wasn't shocked beyond belief I would've certainly thrown up.

I managed to bring my left arm around and sort of awkwardly shove the decapitated body off of me, but I was just too out of sorts to do anything else. I, of course, like an idiot, forgot about the second guy. I stopped forgetting when my whole body was flung to the right a couple of feet. No, not by the guy, but by Byleth, controlling her right hand and pushing inhumanly hard off the ground. An axe thudded hard and deadly in the bloodstained grass to my right, where my body had been before. I noticed that amongst the blood and gore was Byleth's sword, which she'd had to let go of to push off of the ground with the strength necessary to save both of our lives. I started towards the sword in a sort of daze (my stripped and confused mind connected something like "without sword, no killing").

_Lucien! _Byleth somehow wrangled me to my senses. As I had earlier, I realized that I'd been in such a daze that she'd had to (mentally) yell my name several times to get my attention. _Leap back, now!_

Going purely on her word, I sprung back, using my left hand as a support to swing backwards to a more upright position. A faster axe swing, not so drawn back and exaggerated as the first (I guess he'd learned his lesson not to swing so slowly), found itself in front of my feet. Barely thinking, I stepped down on the axe and pushed, and while it's blade went back towards the owner then the handle swung towards me. Instantly, Byleth took advantage of the situation, grabbing onto the axe handle, just below the bandit's grip, pulling yet harsher towards her body, and then bringing it sharply up. If the bandit hadn't twisted the shaft while it was rising, the very sharp blade would have cleaved straight into his very fragile nuts; as it was, it still slammed into them with the blunt side of the weapon.

He howled and took one hand off of his weapon to grab at me. Byleth is telling me now that had we been more coordinated, we could have leaned back and tilted away from his hand, brought both hands onto the axe (one on either side of his remaining hand), and twisted, loosing the axe from his grip and giving us a big sharp stabby thing. As it was at the time, me still 95% in shock and Byleth 100% in trying to get us not dead, Byleth signalled that I should retreat away and regrab the sword. It was as I was picking up the sword that I realized that my original plan wasn't to even try to kill them, but to distract them long enough for—

An arrow lodged itself in the bandit's throat, followed by an axe swing into the side and a spear through the heart. Claude, Edelgard, and Dimitri to the rescue, I guess. I wasn't sure whether or not my "showing" was a) seen by them, and b) appreciated by them. I hoped that, if they saw any part of it, they saw the first strike, as it was just like Mortal Draw out of Twilight Princess. I hoped that they hadn't seen my scramble in the dirt or awkward hand-to-axe combat.

"Good work you three," Byleth said to them (had I really managed to maintain concentration on my mouth during the entire fight, I hear you ask? No, Byleth had to remind me to refocus). I brushed off dirt from my outfit, internally sighing about the blood and trying to think of it as Kool-Aid and not death juice. "There are three left, all of them arriving any second now."

"Sounds like a plan, Boss!" Claude said excitedly. "But are you okay there? That's a lot of blood."

"Yes, I sure hope that you aren't wounded." Dimitri said.

"Don't worry," Byleth said—_are you _really _about to say the thing?!_—, "it isn't mine." And she grinned, ever so slightly, blood spattered across our face. Were references to tropes and 21st century memes already corrupting her?

Well, in any case, it either advertently or inadvertently made the lords not question the skill of Byleth in battle, something I was worried about achieving if they'd seen the scramble shown earlier.

Byleth's body must be sturdy as a tank, because even though inside I was shaking in a mixture of fear, doubt, repulsion, and whatever other emotions make your teeth clatter and breathing staggered, Byleth's body managed to appear steadfast and straight. Since I wasn't the one doing the talking, the calm voice matched the calm outward appearance, and I once again thanked whoever the god was here that I hadn't been put in Byleth's body alone.

"More importantly, look." Edelgard called our attention back toward the edge of the forest. "The last three have arrived, if late to the party."

Kostas and two of his lackies emerged out from the shelter of the trees. As I'd expected, there was a thief and a ruffian (so the enemy numbers were the same too), and, upon spotting us, the thief nudged Kostas and pointed.

I realized I'd lost focus on both my arm and my mouth (God damn does that require concentration to keep up—it's like trying to keep up a steady count of seconds while going about your everyday life), but after I got that squared away, Byleth delivered plan part two. "Same targets as last time; Dimitri, you with the thief and Edelgard with the axe user—the one off to the side, not in the middle. The middle one looks like the commander, so I'll test his strength and lure him away from his friends. You two seemed to handle the other guys just fine, so Claude, you'll come with me and see if we can weaken the commander."

Edelgard and Dimitri got moving, but suddenly Byleth grabbed Dimitri and pulled him back a bit.

"What is it?" he asked.

Byleth rested her hand on her chin for a second, then poked into Dimitri's left arm, about halfway between the elbow and the shoulder. Dimitri winced, and when Byleth withdrew her finger it was red with blood (and not the blood from the decapitated guy).

"You got hurt and you didn't tell me?" Byleth said, her voice just as monotonous as ever and yet somehow seeming a fraction more dangerous.

"Well, it didn't hurt and I didn't need to give you false wor—"

"Inexcusable," she said, and removed her dagger from the sheath at our waist.

"Excuse me?" Dimitri said, understandably worried.

_Hold this_, Byleth told me, and handed off the dagger to her other hand, which I was controlling. At the bottom of the sheath, past the end of the dagger, was a small spherical vial wrapped in a hide-like material so as not to break. She handed it to Dimitri.

"Drink this vulnerary. And never withhold this kind of information from me again." She retook the dagger from my hand and shoved it into the sheath. "And run along, Edelgard is waiting."

"Of course, my apologies," Dimitri nodded awkwardly and scurried off.

_Hah,_ I laughed at him. In my brain.

She didn't show it on her face, but inside I could tell Byleth was a little amused too. _Hush. We have a commander to fight_.

I sighed. _Right._

Claude was still waiting for me, smiling openly at Byleth's and my display (God I hope that grammar is right because I can't look up this type of shit in Fódlan) with Dimitri.

_Right after Edelgard and Dimitri engage their respective targets, you'll rush Kostas, I'll provoke him, and then you'll beat a hasty retreat back a handful of meters, hoping he follows. You don't know which strikes are parryable and which should be dodged, and even if you did, your reaction time isn't good enough to dodge them, so I'll tell you exactly what to do._

All prepped up and ready to go, I walked quickly to catch up to Edelgard and Dimitri. The bandits, seeing us coming, did the smart thing and retreated slightly back into the forest. Well, it'd be the smart thing in Fire Emblem because of the defense and evasion advantage, but I feel like, in reality, fighting in a forest hinders both parties rather than help one. Either way, retreat they did, and so we walked about to the tree line.

All at once, Edelgard and Dimitri leapt forwards on either side of me, weapons swinging. I waited a pause (though really it was just because I couldn't react fast enough), then flung myself towards Kostas in the middle. Byleth told me to stop an arms length away, and as I ran closer he seemed to grow bigger and bigger and good lord I was short. Or he was massive. Byleth's hand whipped down to her sword and within an instant a sword was lodged in his—just kidding he blocked it. I was shocked beyond belief, but apparently, as Byleth tells it, she didn't have the momentum (because of my shitty movement) to conceal where she was going to strike and that anyone would have easily done the same as Kostas. In any case, he fucking blocked it and was swinging his axe around, coming down diagonally as if to form the first line of a big "X" on my chest. Byleth had withdrawn the sword to her side immediately after the block, so she might have been able to parry it, but, remembering what she had said, I leapt backwards and crouched downwards to sort get under and out of the swing. I started towards him when—

_Get away!_ she interrupted me, and I backed off quickly. _He could have kicked you in the shins had you approached._

From the outside, it probably hadn't even looked like I had started going forwards, Byleth reacted so fast. I took another few steps back, and right after Kostas's swing passed an arrow thunked into his right arm. Claude and I backed off yet further, trying to edge him to come closer at the risk of getting fired upon if he didn't advance. It worked, and he rushed towards us. Claude stiffened and started to backpedal, so I ran towards Kostas so that Claude didn't have to run away to get out of range. As I took maybe my third step forwards, I felt a sudden weight on my back right side. Taking a quick glance, I saw that it wasn't a weight at all, but a Claude, one that Byleth had grabbed with her right hand.

_Why'd you—_ an axe, more specifically Kostas's axe, thunked an inch into the tree just beside where Claude was standing. Had Byleth not grabbed him, he would have been toast. _What the fuck?! That wasn't a hand axe, right?_

_You're right. It was a normal axe._

_Why the hell can he throw a normal axe?_

_You can, too. It's not that hard._

I had still been thinking of it like a game subconsciously. God, I felt like such an idiot.

_Keep on your toes, Lucien. Claude's not out of the woods yet._

I turned to see what she meant, and I shit you not, while the axe hadn't hit Claude, it had sailed right through his very wooden bow. Claude's face was stricken with panic.

_Lucien, I want you to spin all the way around to your left._

I did exactly as she said, and she used the momentum to fling Claude towards the edge of the forest on my left. We didn't need to tell him to stay back, one glance at bowless Claude made sure that he was much too smart to try to run in without a weapon.

As I turned back around I saw that Kostas, who had been charging at us since even before he had thrown his axe, was now very very close to me. Fortunately, his weapon was still stuck in a tree, so I figured he'd rather try to skirt me and grab his weapon. Well, I figured wrong, and he made a grab at me. Byleth gave me a warning and I skirted back, but that's when I realized he hadn't been grabbing for me at all, but for the dagger at my waist, and he had _barely _missed. Two could play at that game. I ran backwards, not caring if he followed, and grabbed on to the axe, leaning back and pulling. Testament to Byleth's body's strength, there wasn't that cliche attempt at pulling out a stuck weapon while the big baddie chases you, no, the axe just popped out. Maybe it was kind of misguided, I'm not sure I really needed that second weapon, but it made more sense in my head.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Dimitri and Edelgard rushing Kostas from the back. That was a relief, I only needed a few more seconds of distraction.

_Hey Byleth, can I throw this at him?_

_No! You'd be asking for the future to come into play! Throw it as far away as possible!_

She was exactly right. It would be impossible to attack Edelgard with an axe if he didn't have an axe. I reeled back and chucked the axe further into the forest, before turning back around to face Kostas. All of the running and fighting and new experiences and concentration had really made me tired, so I'd hoped that Dimitri and Edelgard caught up soon. They were trailing slightly behind Kostas, so running directly at him would them catch up, assuming that he slowed down when he saw me charging. Slow down he did, and the lords descended on him like a murder of angry, weapon-carrying crows. I stopped in front of him, deciding it would probably be best to not intervene. Plus, standing back meant that I—read: Byleth—could examine their fighting styles. They ducked and weaved around him, Edelgard getting up close and in front and Dimitri hanging back, stabbing when Edelgard was exposed. I knew that they probably weren't perfect (If I had to guess, I'd say the closest thing to perfection I've seen so far was that first sword strike of Byleth's), but they seemed plenty good to me. Like, if that was at level 1, what are the 40's gonna look like? Or maybe it won't be that they'll be more skilled necessarily, just that their hits will be harder. And will they learn skills? I mean I guess there's sort of a way to explain skills, one of the Awakening SI's does it that way; putting in enough training allows you to either combine magic with your weapon (see Sol and Aether) or you get so skilled you can pinpoint weaknesses (see Assassinate and Luna). I can't even really remember the different classes' abilities, and I'm kicking myself because I could have just paid more attention while playing the game. And then I started spiraling into that "I'm worthless" stuff again, and fucking once again, for the third goddamn time, Byleth said my name multiple times to get me to snap out. I felt—still feel—so fucking innatentive.

_Lucien! Lucien, it's over. _I looked up and Kostas was indeed on the ground. Edelgard and Dimitri were catching their breath, and Edelgard set down her axe, sticking it into the ground so she could fix her hair.

_You have to make sure he's really—_

Kostas flipped onto his feet and rushed at Edelgard, and in an instant Byleth and I knew that he was gunning for the axe, too. Edelgard, with about a two second warning before collision, scrambled for a sheath at her side (like an _idiot_ I might add, she probably could have picked up her axe in time), pulling out her dagger. _Oh fucking hell, _I thought, and sprinted after Kostas, _I can't believe I forgot_.

What happened next was… well, it was something, alright. If I had to settle on a descriptor, it might be "a stroke of luck," but whether it was good or bad luck is debatable. Bewildered by being broken out of my thoughts, utterly physically exhausted after a day of fighting, utterly mentally exhausted after doing the most thinking and strategizing and compartmentalizing that I've ever had to do, and still not completely able to control a shorter, more powerful, and more limber body than my own, I tripped. Face, straight into the ground. Or well, it would have been straight into the ground, had the ground been under my face. Instead, I tripped straight-the-fuck into Kostas, and we both tumbled to the ground. Byleth, bless her heart (or lack thereof), had been brandishing her sword as I ran, and although she wasn't expecting the trip, she had the superhuman reactions to maneuver the sword so that it didn't impale us when we hit the ground. However, doing that meant putting it at a strange angle, and it started to bend downwards, forcing Byleth to let go, the sword sliding away along the grass.

_Lucien, look to your right._ Her voice was completely calm.

Looking to the right brought me to the sight of Edelgard's axe, stuck into the soft dirt an arm's length away. Byleth's hand whipped out like a snake and before Kostas could bear the force to throw me off of him I heard a gurgling scream from below me. Byleth had found his neck without the need of my eyes. I looked anyway, and Kostas's neck was—y'know what, it doesn't matter.

I got off Kostas, Byleth's body giving me a sense of being able to hide my emotions. I wanted to throw up and fall down to the grass and go to sleep all at the same time. But in this body I could hide behind Byleth like a mask. So I got up, forced my legs over to the lordlings, and handled Edelgard back her axe. It seemed appropriate for Byleth to say something, so I waited for a second, but then I realized that I hadn't been concentrating on my mouth, and by that point it was too late to talk, so I just stepped back.

"Thank you, Byleth," Edelgard said, obviously shaken, but not letting it make her stutter.

This time I remembered to give my mouth to Byleth. "It's nothing. But confirm the enemy's death next time."

And that brings up an interesting point: Kostas lives in the real game. He comes back at the Red Canyon map, Chapter 2 or 3. I think the only thing that he adds is a little bit of exposition about the Flame Emperor, but since it would be impossible to see that anyway stuck inside this body, I doubt it matters that he's gone. Aside from, y'know, his friends and family caring he's dead. Because this is real life.

Claude rejoined Dimitri, Edelgard, and I, and Jeralt rode up to us. They had their conversations, Alois joining right in time to be late, as expected. I actually really liked Alois as a character, he's wild and bombastic and I'm a sucker for puns. I wasn't thinking about him at the time, though, even though he was right in front of me. I was thinking something along the lines of, "fuck. I just killed two people."

And yeah, I know that every self insert has to do that "oh no I'm killing people" paragraph or two of their story before they go back to slaughtering hundreds with their super cool technology powers that they for some reason know how to create. But that's fiction. Those characters didn't _actually_ kill people. The only story that came close to that sort of feeling was Metallover's SI, which is funny because that one is one of the most lighthearted stories out there. But I don't think he did it justice, or maybe I'm not as strong as him. Whether or not they were evil, whether or not they were trying to kill me, whether or not it's "necessary," that… that doesn't change anything. How did I go from worrying about Chem class to worrying about this?

I know I've said this several times before, but I'd be ruined if not for Byleth's body hiding my emotions. I really wanted to puke my guts out, slam my fist into the ground and curl up into a ball, suffering the butterflies of uncertainty and fear and, most of all, some sick realization that there's so much more to come—that was the worst part, knowing that even though you've gone through so much shit to climb up to where you are, each stair takes twice the strength as the previous. It's like how they describe it in March comes in like a lion, which is—was, I guess—my favorite anime: you swim to the island, exhausting every muscle, your lungs filling with water and your breath coming ragged until you crawl your way onto the shore and collapse. But there's always another island, even though it's so easy to lose yourself on solid ground, but you know you have to get back in the water. And it's storming, wind is whipping and rain is hammering down as you excruciatingly move each muscle methodically to swim, but inside of the storm, there isn't an eye, a moment of respite, but only a harsher storm. That's how I was feeling when Alois was talking. I was thinking about how it doesn't get better.

**AN: One more part left in Day 1. Jeez this thing is big.**


	3. Day 1 Part 3

**Great Tree Moon, 4/20 1180 (Sunday)  
**Professor's Log, Day 1 Part 3: "Trying to Plan a Plan Without Trying"

So much stuff happened this first day, so I decided I'd split it up into another part, even though it's the same day of writing for me. Ideally, I'll get to a point where I'm writing about what happened the same day that it happens. But in order for that to work, I'll have to finish up my first day.

I was fucking exhausted. I know I've stressed it before, but I was _fucking_ _exhausted_. I had blood on my clothes, depression on my mind, and even though Byleth's body was incredible, I only had her body, not her tolerance for pain or exhaustion. With every second I spent inside of Byleth, I only appreciated her more (that sounds wrong). Byleth had given me back her right arm, and the amount of energy she must have spent to do those few simple swings was staggering to me. As in I literally staggered when she gave me back her arm.

I zoned out the conversation between Jeralt and Alois—I don't even remember what option Byleth chose to say when asked if she was Jeralt's daughter—because I realized that I would have to choose a house. I had no idea what house I should choose. I played Golden Deer, and then school started so I hadn't gotten around to playing the others, but I generally knew their stories. I was most iffy on details for the end of Dimitri's route and Silver Snow (the Church Route). My thoughts were as thus: I could choose Golden Deer because I knew it the best and it had my favorite character, Lysithea, plus I think the ending is generally the best, or at least the happiest, even though both other lords die. But I also think that Dimitri's and Edelgard's routes are more entwined, much more shit goes wrong, and it would be where I would need to go in order to really change something. I really didn't have enough time to come up with a good plan before they asked me which land I support. I had to postpone the choice somehow.

Byleth prompted me to move over to the three lords (something that Sothis should have done) after Alois and Jeralt didn't need me anymore, so I sauntered tiredly over to them. The three lords had their powwow, all boring stuff that I can skip over.

Eventually, Claude said, "So, capable stranger, let's get right to it. Where does your allegiance lie?"

I still had no idea which house I wanted to choose. I hadn't thought through the logic completely, so I needed time. Like, I know that you're not actually choosing a house, but I don't want to say one side and then switch to a different one, because I feel like that lord would feel slighted. In the end, I told Byleth to say something noncommittal, and she blew it out of the park.

"I was impressed by all of your skills on the battlefield. Being a mercenary, I've roamed across all three nations and consider none my true home. As such, I'm not sure I can make a choice without more thought."

I hoped that was good enough to keep me safe from further questioning on the march back, because I was _not_ looking forward to it. In any case, Alois interjected and told us it was time to start the march back.

"Looks like we'll have to pick this up another time," Claude said.

The lords walked off, probably deep in thought about how they could convince me. Sothis was supposed to come in and let me analyze each lord, but once again she didn't, which—combined with all the other shit—led me to a frightening conclusion: I don't think that I have Sothis in my body. If she is there, she's dormant. Lost in all of the confusion, a few things happened that… shouldn't have. First, we skipped the cutscene at the beginning of the game, after the battle between Seiros and Nemesis, in which Sothis is introduced. Byleth told me that she doesn't remember a dream like that at all. Second, because of my blunder during the battle, Sothis never came and used a divine pulse on me to allow me to save Edelgard (and my point is that I got super lucky because I think that that wouldn't have happened—that Sothis wouldn't have done anything). And also just now, Sothis never started talking in Byleth's or my minds, which she should do. In other words, I don't have divine pulse. I don't have the most broken ability in the entire game.

I'm not sure of the full scope of this—will Rhea even need me? Will I get sucked into that creepy spell and not be able to go super saiyan?—but I'm going to assume via process of elimination that Sothis's gem heart is still there in my heart, just that she's dormant, or Byleth's brain is too crowded, or something. I'm going to try some tests to see if I can awaken her, but it sucks big time.

Speaking of sucking, the march sucked. It actually didn't take too long (if you think about it, it had to be close to Garreg Mach if the students could run to Remire from their training exercise place nearby), but I definitely was not equipped mentally to deal with the utter exhaustion that accompanied fighting. And that was only like 3 enemies—how in Seiros's name was I going to handle later maps? The answer was obvious, though: I'd just have to train like hell. I knew that I would have a shitton of work to do, even as soon as I got to the Monastery, regardless of how tired I was.

Jeralt and Alois talked ahead of me with a group of the Knights of Seiros while the three lords stuck by me and walked in relative silence. There was some small talk, but mostly we kept to ourselves, and I thought more and more about my plans; trying to get the broad strokes of what I wanted to do, asking Byleth what she thought, things like that. As I'm still making the plan now, I have no idea if it will work, but I think that it's best if I lay down my thoughts now as opposed to introducing them as they happen.

I at first thought that I should pick the route that the lord would need me as a Professor, a teacher figure, the most, because that way of thinking makes the most sense on the surface. For instance, I might choose Edelgard's route because I could change stuff at Enbarr only if I was her Professor. However, if I wanted an actual resolution, I realized that that would never work. If I chose Edelgard, Dimitri would lose faith in me just as fast as he lost faith in Edelgard, and never trust me post-Flame-Emperor-reveal no matter how much he trusted me before. If I chose Dimitri, Edelgard _might _listen to me, but Dimitri would see me trying to work out a resolution with Edelgard as a betrayal by him and outcast me, or think that I was a spy or a double-agent or some bullshit. The only way I could seem impartial to both parties and try to get the best resolution was with my best boy Claude. And besides, I'm planning to change a lot of shit before the timeskip, and getting murked for five years was not on my to-do list, so a bunch of my preconceived notions about what will happen in Edie's and Dimmy's routes are completely out the window, which is yet more reason to choose Claude, where I can be a mastermind from the background (just like Claude himself, huh) and deal with the crazy shit that comes my way.

First, I'll tell Claude everything. I'll get to know him and get a good friendship going of course, but I plan to tell Claude. He's smarter than me, so having him onboard should be an enormous help. I'm actually not too worried about convincing him, he's easygoing and wants the best, and the way I plan to do this all still lets him become the leader of Almyra and (hopefully) stop racism. And when I say tell him everything, I don't mean about my coming to this world, I mean about Edelgard and Dimitri's future conflict, about Rhea being The Immaculate One (a term that he already knows), and about Seiros, Sothis, and my heart. Hell, he knows all of that by the end of the Golden Deer route anyway, so I don't doubt that he'll support me. I'll need to figure out a reason to give him as to why I know the future, though.

My next step is to get good with Edelgard. Hopefully she comes to trust me, even though I won't be her professor, and then I'll confront her in a way that she can't run away or retaliate from. I'll tell her that I know everything: that she's working with Those Who Slither in the Dark even though she hates them in order to take down The Immaculate One, that the aforementioned slitherers are the ones who gave her the Crest of Flames, and that she's the Flame Emperor. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do it yet, but hopefully I'll be smart enough to convince her that I want the best for the world: I want Rhea gone, crests irrelevant, and peace secured. When she trusts that, I'll tell her about Dimitri, and how her dagger was given to her by Dimitri, that he believes the Flame Emperor is responsible for the Tragedy of Duscur, and that, if things are left unchanged, he will side with the church not because he thinks they're right but because they oppose her, that he will literally go insane from betrayal and hate. You can see in the conversation that Dimitri and Edelgard have before the assault on Enbarr in the Blue Lions route that they have super opposing viewpoints about how the world should be reformed, even though they generally want similar things. But I think they couldn't agree because they were already in the thick of it, that Edelgard was too far into war to stop without compromising her ideals.

I'll brief Dimitri, too. They both seem reasonable before the timeskip, but I'll still need to find some way to prove that Patricia is (at least partly) responsible for the Tragedy of Duscur, not The Flame Emperor. Hopefully either Claude or Edelgard can help with that (by the way, the reason I'm not too worried about convincing Edelgard is because I have dirt on her, so she basically has to listen). Then, Dimitri and Edelgard can meet together before the timeskip and come to some conclusion. And this is where the most risk is involved in my plan: whether or not Dimitri and Edelgard can come to an agreement about what to do, whether they can compromise in a way that is both efficient while not contradictory… My entire plan relies on there being a third path. I hate to have it crux on a single point, but I can't think of anything else. And I can't wait to see if there's a better option, the longer I wait the more resolved Edelgard and Dimitri become. This is the only way I see.

Also, I'm sacrificing Rhea. Some would say she only wants the best, some would say she deserves to die, but the only way to keep all of the students alive is to ally against the Church, mainly because Edelgard hates Crests because of her past and Dimitri doesn't like them because they perpetuate oppression. She is definitely the most morally skewed individual at Garreg Mach, and could be argued to be worse than the slitherers because she, in a way, created them. Honestly, I kind of liked her my playthrough (even though she is super sus, as all heads of massive monotheistic religions in JRPGs are), but I don't see a way for Rhea to ever redeem herself for the people she's killed and lies she's perpetuated. And besides, even though I'd like to be impartial, I know that if I were affected by Rhea's machinations like Edelgard was, I'd hate her too.

Sacrificing Rhea means I'll probably also have to sacrifice Catherine, Cyril (who I couldn't give less of a shit about), and Seteth and Flayn, which is really sucky. Maybe there's a way to convince Seteth and Flayn by saying we're not trying to kill every church member, we're just removing Rhea and freeing people from its power, but isn't Seteh like Rhea's brother? Catherine's whole reason for living is Rhea, so I really don't see a way without giving her up; again, maybe Shamir could do some "power of friendship" type stuff and bring her to the light side of the force, but those are details I'll think about later. For now, my plans seem relatively airtight, aside from the gaping whole that is Dimitri and Edelgard's compromise (and a bunch of specific details). And I also think that there must be a smarter way, something that someone smarter than me could think of that saves literally everyone, absolves them of sin and liberates their minds, but it's not there for me. I feel like I'm already letting Byleth and everyone else down by not being able to think of it. But, what I do have is the best that I can make, so I'll have to go with it.

Phew. I figure it's best to get all that planning shit out of the way so that it makes sense why I can say with some confidence that I'm choosing Golden Deer. Plus, all of that sort of shit is all cause and effect that I'll have to come back to at some point anyway, so it's best to think of it all now so that I don't do something completely misguided later.

Finally, the forest broke and I was greeted by Garreg Mach Monastery, in all of its glory. And it is glorious. It looks bigger in real life, or at least much, much taller. Part school, part church, all led by Lady Rhea.

"There it is," Edelgard said to me. "Garreg Mach Monastery."

We walked through the main gates and I slide up next to Jeralt just in time to hear him say, "Rhea's here."

We both looked up towards the third floor balcony, where she stood and watched us. I really don't have anything to add, the game does this part pretty accurately. Edelgard, Dimitri, and Claude broke off, saying that they should go spend time with their houses but that they'd be happy to chat if I came around, basically. Alois shepherded us to the audience chamber and I scanned the school as we walked to see if anything was noticeably different. If I had to say one thing, it'd be that the unnamed students looked a little less generic, a little more like real people. And they had names, presumably. Also, the place had more life. There were more students bustling, people talking about real things, monastery staff moving around clipping hedges and sweeping; it definitely seemed like a living place, a place indistinguishable from a real city in terms of the feeling of movement you get from being around so many other people, all with their own lives.

I don't really feel a need to describe the monastery in an insane level of detail, the game has the monastery looking basically the same, but the level of extra detail in the real thing was unmatched. Everything that was just a reused texture is gone; every stone has unique cracks, the hedges are all slightly irregular, that sort of stuff. I didn't really think about it at the time, but that provides no small evidence that this is pretty far removed from Three Houses the game. It sounds stupid, but if this were really some sort of "I was sucked into my TV and am in my favorite RPG" story, it should be _exactly the same_ in every aspect of the game, right? Maybe not, I dunno. I'm just making shit up at this point.

Lady Rhea, in all her saintly beauty, smiled warmly(?) at us. I mean, I know she killed a bunch of people and has a borderline Oedipus complex, but she really is beautiful, especially in the flesh. She practically radiates light, even while her presence sends shivers up my spine. Seteth stood beside her and greeted us when we entered, Alois skedaddling out once we reached the audience chamber. There was a Knight of Seiros reporting to Lady Rhea and Seteth that promptly left after we arrived. Jeralt and Lady Rhea (notice that I'm starting to try to refer to her as "Lady" Rhea so I get in the habit of not embarrassing myself in front of her in the future) started a stiff conversation that radiated awkward silences. Lady Rhea, of course, took no notice of the stifling air and acted as if it was a heartfelt reunion between longtime friends.

After a few minutes of this, Rhea turned towards me. "As for you…I heard of your valiant efforts from Alois. What is your name?"

Wait… how did she hear from Alois if Alois hadn't even seen her yet? Did the Knight that had just left report it to her? That's kind of weird. Never noticed that in the game.

"My name is Byleth," Byleth said.

_Relationship with Rhea up,_ I thought, imagining the support arrows. It had stuck out to me that when Lady Rhea asks you what your name is in the game you have the option to say nothing Talking sounds way more natural than staring at her like a dead fish when she asks you a question. And like, I know I'll end up killing her, but I may as well be nice.

_It's courteous,_ Byleth said to me.

_Oh, no, I totally agree. It's just kind of… I don't know if "ironic" is the right word, but it seems weird how we're being nice to our future enemy._

"A fine name indeed," Lady Rhea said, nodding slightly. "From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for saving those students of the Officers Academy."

The conversation continued on, and Byleth and I once again agreed that it was the best idea to play it by the script for this important expositive stuff. Plus, with how little Byleth is involved in the early conversations combined with her stony demeanor, talking very little just seemed more natural. It also helped that I was still tired, but standing in Byleth's strong body made me feel like it took less effort to just exist, and so I let my mind rest.

Rhea left, her serene countenance dipping as she nodded and walked out of the chamber, Seteth following closely behind. Next up was… The introduction to Hanneman and Manuella, right? Jeralt started his talk about how I would have to work here too, by the looks of it.

"As a professor?" Byleth asked.

"Um, yes, actually. I'm surprised you guessed. You heard those brats earlier talking about the Officers Academy, right? Well, the academy just happens to be short a professor. And apparently that damned Alois recommended you to Lady Rhea."

Enter Hanneman and Manuela. I had always been kind of interested in them as characters, but you get them late enough that my main composition was already mostly formed, so I never used them (aside from Hanneman's Meteor spell, but come on that was one time, so I could beat a map in one turn). They were bickering as they walked a touch that I didn't remember from the game. They trailed off when they saw Jeralt, Manuela in particular looking at him fancifully.

"So. You must be the new professor. My, how stern and handsome you are!"

Jeralt dipped faster than a falling anvil. Even still, he quickly leaned towards me and whispered, "And… watch out for Lady Rhea. I don't know what she's thinking, making you a professor like this. She may be up to something. Stay on your guard."

Yeah, I don't think "_may_ be up to something" quite describes Lady Rhea. But Jeralt did have some good-ass advice that I would do well to follow.

"Oh, it's you, then? So young…"

Young indeed, younger still when it's a sixteen-year-old inside of a twenty-something's body. I was particularly interested in Hanneman, though. Crests had always seemed kind of underwhelming for the complete tyranny that they held over the social structure of Fódlan. It would definitely be interesting to see how they worked in real life.

Another thing that was interesting to me was the fact that there was a free professor slot. It actually makes no sense, like, at all. They must've had three professors the previous year, right? Why was there an open slot now, exactly when I was going to show up? I'd have to ask around and figure out who the hell the previous professor was.

"My name is Byleth," Byleth said. "I look forward to working with you all, and hope you'll forgive my inexperience."

"Pay no mind to Manuela, Byleth, and I am always here to help if you are in need of it. If, of course, you don't mind helping me out with some small Crest-related favors of my own." And then more quietly he said, "The daughter of a person with a Major Crest of Seiros… Just what wonders will you bring?"

The conversation was different than what it is in the game, but I didn't pay it any mind. Byleth and I were going off pure memories for how to respond, so if things were slightly different it was probably a result of that.

"Don't listen to that old fool Hanneman. I shudder to think of what he'd do to a beauty like you. I'm Manuela. I'm a professor, a physician, a songstress, and available. If you need anything, you can find me in the infirmary when I'm not teaching."

"I imagine I'll need help from both of you, if I am to be teaching students," Byleth said.

It felt like it took forever, but eventually the professors left, and Seteth came in to guide me to my room. Apparently there's a day in between when you get to the monastery and when you get to talk to the students, one which I had either forgotten about or never realized in the first place. That was crucial, I felt like a dead man walking after all the effort I'd expended. I supposed Seteth, who was explaining the rules and such as we walked, had just finished telling Lady Rhea how untrustworthy I seemed. Poor Seteth, his own sister doesn't tell him her plans. That might be able to play into being able to recruit him even though I'm allying myself against the church… but that's for another time.

We ended up beside the dorms, the place where I'd be living for the next year. Seteth gave me the key (begrudgingly) and left, telling me I could eat dinner at the mess hall before 8:00 and to report to Lady Rhea in the morning. I wasn't sure when exactly morning was, but I sure as hell was not gonna ask Seteth, so I decided I'd play it by ear. I carefully unlocked the door and entered, locking it behind me just in case.

I stood still for a few moments. I was finally alone. The silence seemed to press in on my ears. My shoulders sagged. I quietly sat down on the bed, put my head into the rough pillow, and sobbed uncontrollably. I was alone. I had Byleth, but I was alone. Whether or not I could "beat the game," it was unlikely I was ever going back to Earth. I would never see my best friends, never play Smash Bros. with my brothers, never be able to choose my future. I was stuck in a body that wasn't mine, a language that wasn't mine, a world that wasn't mine. In some part fear, some part disgust, some part depression, I cried. My body wracked several times as I drew shuddering breaths between sobs, my face scrunched. I cried for everything good I had just lost and everything bad I had just gained, everything that could have been and everything that will have to be.

I remembered the headless body on top of me, a bloody stump as the head rolled away, Byleth's strike to fast for the man to even look surprised. I remembered Kostas's neck, severed so brutally blood had spurted into my mouth. My chest heaved, trying to throw up, but I hadn't eaten anything since I had woken up so nothing came out. My throat stung, it felt bloated, and I felt sick, dry heaving multiple times in a row. How could I have thought of anything else? The human mind must be expert at distracting for me to not realize how awful it felt to have ended someone's life until now. Tears rolled into my mouth and my nose clogged. When I was too dehydrated to cry and my head ached painfully, I stopped. I just pushed my head into the pillow and scrunched my eyes.

_...Lucien._

_Byleth? _A pregnant pause. _I don't think I can do this._

_Lucien, I'm telling you you can._ I can't say for sure, my head was pushed deep into the pillow, but I could have sworn I felt a hand rustle through my long hair, finger-combing and massaging it. _This isn't a good thing. You have every right to be upset, and your reaction is normal. But you need to know that I trust you, and I believe you have the strength to push through. It sucks right now, but problems are never as big as they seem. You can't say for certainty that there isn't a way back to Earth unless you've checked every possible way. And stop saying you're alone! I'm here! When I'm with you, you only need to do half of the work. There's nothing to solving problems except doing each step._

_Byleth, I know you're trying to console me, but I—_

_I want you to say it. Say that you're not alone._

_I know that, what I'm trying to say is that—_

_Say it!_ Byleth demanded.

_I'm not alone, okay? _I said placatingly.

_No, no, no, I said "say it." Say it out loud!_

"I'm not alone."

_One more time, with _energy!

"I'm not alone!"

I wasn't better. It would have been foolish to think that I would be better. I'm still not doing well, to be honest. I hate that I'm here, I hate that I have to do this, I hate that I've stolen Byleth's body. And I hate that every night since then I've seen those fucking bandits in my nightmares. But Byleth has a way about her, this utterly intoxicating pervasiveness of her persuasion that manifests in her somehow always knowing what to say and when to say it. I still didn't—don't—think that I can do this, no matter what Byleth says. But I'm trying anyway because of her.

I ate dinner late, and didn't see any students. When I got back I lay in bed, exhausted but not able to sleep. Byleth and I talked until the atmosphere was comfortable enough and I felt myself slipping away. The last thought I can remember from that night was that Byleth's thought-voice was so pretty, and that it was a shame she never spoke any lines in game if she sounded that nice.


	4. Day 2 Part 1

**Great Tree Moon, 4/21 1180 (Monday)  
**Professor's Log, Day 2 Part 1: "A Gamble, and Not the Purchasable Kind"

For how tired I was, Byleth's body woke up early. I had been much too confused to notice the previous day, but Byleth, like me, was not a morning person. Even still, her body woke up like clockwork at around 6:00 AM. Well, maybe it was because I had went to sleep at like 9:00, but either way, I was up early.

_Good morning_, Byleth said to me.

_G'morning Byleth, how'd you sleep?_

_I tried controlling your body while you were asleep, but it didn't work. And once you fell asleep it was basically impossible for me to think clearly anymore, so in a way I guess you could say that I slept._

Huh. That would have been sick, actually; if Byleth could control her body while I was asleep, we could get so much work done. Alas, it was not meant to be.

I got up, stretched, and dressed. While I was thinking about morning routines, I got very very worried, and had a frightening realization.

_Hey, uh… Byleth?_

_When do you normally, like, shower? And stuff?_

I could feel Byleth sighing in my mind. We had a 15 minute conversation about all of the intricacies of bathing, and it was actually incredibly fascinating. Not for those reasons, you perv. Basically, because of magic being so widespread and not being limited to tomes, people would usually learn some very rudimentary fire magic as they grow up, whether that was by their parents' instruction or, if they were richer, a private mage's tutelage. This magic would be useless at fighting or burning down a building, but it would give off enough heat from the hand to heat water for a bath. As such, the whole process of bathing in warm water became much simpler than it was in my world's medieval period. I'd actually looked into it myself after YouTube recommended me a video on how people used to brush their teeth (spoilers, it was with twigs that they'd chew on to make bristles), and apparently bathhouses were commonly heated by being located next to the bakery's oven.

And yeah, the whole concept of medieval peasants never bathing was a total myth. Not only were bathhouses common, people also used rivers and lakes to wash themselves. Apparently, bathhouses became places to eat food with friends and get prostitutes, because in a lot of places men and women's quarters weren't separated. That being the case, the church looked down on bathhouses, but not on bathing in general, and they fully supported separate gender bathhouses.

In Fódlan, it was much simpler than that. Bathhouses still existed, but they never became as big of a thing as in my world because of the availability of magic, which encouraged private bathing areas. But there were no such places at Garreg Mach, so they used the bathhouse next to the sauna, which was separate gender. Obviously.

Also something interesting, people would wash their faces and hands every day in their washing basin at home, even if they didn't have the funds or time or desire to go more than once or twice a week to the bathhouse. I think that men were less societarily pressured to bathe often, but nobles who had the money to would definitely stay clean and washed. It was only after the Black Plague back home that people began to shy away from bathing, because they thought the water was a conduit for the disease to get in. Honestly, that whole sickness thing with the Three Humors and "bad air" is interesting as fuck. I can't wait until I drop Germ Theory on these motherfuckers.

I took a trip to the women's bathhouse and took a mortifying bath. Thank Seiros that there weren't any students there, it was already steamy enough with just me, Byleth, and the steam. I figured the water was heated with magic, but I wondered how they were keeping it warm. Like, do they pay someone to continuously shoot magic into the water? Or is it pulled from someplace else?

I lathered my body in soap, some chalky white substance that resembled bars of soap in my world (I mean soap hasn't changed much in the past several hundreds of years, I think it's just oil and a base). By the way, can you tell that I'm focusing on the heating and the soap so much because it makes me physically uncomfortable to talk about literally anything else?

Moving quickly and deliberately along, I quickly dried and dressed. Back in my room was Byleth's supplies, one item of which was a brush, and I painfully tugged out the knots and smoothed down my hair. It still feels weird, calling it "my hair," the long, unnaturally green stuff that coiled coldy around my neck, but… that's what it is now.

Now that it was day again—now that stuff was happening again—I sort of slipped into the rhythm that I had gotten into the previous day. Feeling the marked differences in existing between "real life" and Fódlan, it was impossible to not think of it like a game, to stop taking everything so seriously. But it was when I was alone, when nothing would be happening if it were a game, or when I'm not moving in a way that reminds me that I'm not in my original body, that's when it didn't feel like a game at all. That's when I missed Pop-Tarts and conversations with my friends and the feeling you get when you haven't killed someone.

I decided it might be better to go to Lady Rhea before eating, just in case she wanted me bright and early. I could always come back later, but it'd be impossible to go earlier if I waited. It seemed like the students were starting to wake up, the bathhouses filling up. I saw Dimitri already fully dressed, heading towards the training grounds. He nodded at me and I nodded back, continuing on my way and hoping he wouldn't come over and try to talk to me. Fortunately, he didn't, probably assuming by the direction I was heading that I was going somewhere important.

Lady Rhea stood in the audience chamber same as always, and I briefly wondered if she stood there the whole morning and would have continued to stand there silently all day had I not shown up. She just didn't seem real, if that makes any sense.

"I assume you are already aware that you will be teaching here at the Officer's Academy, is that correct?"

I nodded.

"To start, please speak with the three house leaders. You should also take a look around the academy and acquaint yourself with your new home. Once you have finished, come and speak with me."

I nodded again, and turned to leave. Again, the dialogue was basically the same as what I remembered, but I couldn't help but feel that something was slightly off.

"Oh, and Byleth?"

I stopped mid turn, looking back at Lady Rhea. It could have just been me, but I could've sworn that her smile was wider.

"Don't have too much fun, okay?"

What the fuck? I did _not_ remember that from the game. Thoroughly creeped out, I quickly left the audience chamber. What the hell was that about? And, more importantly, what prompted it? I'd done nothing radical enough to warrant a change that… well, the only way to put it was weird. That was weird as hell.

I walked back to my room, still feeling uncomfortable. At least then when I was farther away from her I felt mildly better, but sheesh does Lady Rhea give me the heebie-jeebies now.

I figured it was probably best to start by going to each of the classrooms and checking out which students were inside. I didn't want to have to awkwardly turn around and go back to get at the classrooms, so I decided I'd walk along the dorms and then wrap around. As I was thinking about how I'd talk to people—yay social anxiety—I realized how awkward it would be to just go up to someone and wait for them to talk to you, which is what you'd do in a game. Like, how are you supposed to say something to someone like Bernadetta or Marianne that causes a conversation, especially since Byleth is known for being very untalkative? Assuming, then, that I had to initiate every conversation, I guess I could throw out every talking point that the characters have in the game. Maybe later, when I was their professor and friend, I could just ask, "What's up?" and they'd be able to just talk about whatever's going on, but right now? I have to find actual things to talk about with these people.

As I realized that, I started to freak out. Those types of situations are normally where Byleth would come in for support, but she's just as socially awkward as I am. I mean, I _guess_ it might come off as Byleth's "unique personality," but that doesn't mean it won't be incredibly awkward.

Right in the middle of wondering what in the fuck I was supposed to say to the students, I reached the first classroom. I had forgotten which one was which, but looking at it from the other side made it way clearer; Golden Deer on the "bottom", then Blue Lions, then Black Eagles. Since I wrapped around, I was closest to the Golden Deer classroom, so, after steeling myself and giving my mouth to Byleth, I went inside.

Claude was there, which I'm pretty sure he wasn't in the game. It makes complete sense that it'd be different, because people in real life don't stand in the same place and say the same things for a month.

"Heya, Byleth! Or should I call you Teach? How's your new gig?"

"I get to decide the class I'll be teaching, so I'll need to know some things about your house," Byleth said.

"Sure thing. This is the house of the Golden Deer, representing the people of the Leicester Alliance. We're not all stuffy nobles like in the Blue Lions or Black Eagles, we have by far the most commoners; a good thing, if you ask me. Do you want to learn more about anyone specifically?"

I thought for a second, then told Byleth to say something specific.

"I'll be walking around talking to each of them, so I should be fine. But how about yourself? Not to be rude, but I've heard that you appeared rather suddenly following the death of your uncle."

I, of course, knew that he was off in Almyra learning about racism, but I was curious as to how much he'd tell me.

"Done your research, huh? What if I said that I'd tell you if you decided to teach the Golden Deer?"

Well, that was to be expected.

"I'll think about it," Byleth said, and I backed up and moved away, hoping Claude would get the signal that the conversation was over.

Lysithea was in the classroom too, but she looked so absorbed in her book she hadn't heard Claude say I'd be a Professor.

It was awkward, deciding whether or not to drag her out of her studies just to say hello, but progress is a long road taken by many single steps, so I moved to gently tap her on the shoulder. But, centimeters from her body, I stopped, whirling and facing the walls of books to the sides of the classroom. I was looking for the same book that Lysithea was reading. It didn't look like it was on any of the bookshelves, so I thought that maybe she had snagged the only copy. I picked out a random book, partway out of frustration, partway out of wanting to look like I had a reason to go towards the bookshelf in case Claude was watching or something. I pretended to flip through it, then set it back. But, as I was setting it back, I noticed the bright gold embossment that I had seen Lysithea holding, incredibly faint and only reflecting light because I had taken out the other book.

The second copy of Lysithea's book was on its side, behind the books that you can normally see on the bookshelf. I picked it up gingerly—it looked pretty old, or at least well worn. "When the Blood Runs Gold," the title read. For a second I thought it was fiction, but reading the summary on the inside cover said that it was an analysis of Crests' influence and importance in the battles during the Leicester Alliance's bid for freedom from Faerghus. Kind of heavy stuff, but what else can you expect from Lysithea's reading material.

I flipped through it, trying to latch on to sentences and figure out the main points, but it was dense and my eyes just scanned over the page. It didn't help that it was all in Japanese, weird mixtures of Chinese characters (that the Japanese stole and called kanji) that I was familiar with—having studied Chinese before—swoopy bits that I knew to be hiragana, and blocky shapes that Byleth said were called katakana. I could translate it using Byleth's extensive memory, or she could relay the information to me, but it just wasn't at the speed that I have with English, where I read words instantly whether I want to or not.

I still wanted to get good with Lysithea (obvious best girl), so I wasn't going to give up. I looked through the table of contents for an interesting chapter title. One of the last chapters was called "Unofficially Documented Accounts." It hadn't caught my eye immediately, but after I registered what it said I looked back at it, then flipped to its place in the book, thinking that it could be interesting.

From the top, it read:

"Previous accounts of both Crests and battles in this report have all been officially documented and verified. In comparison, these tales have received no word of confirmation nor denial from either nation, and may very well be apocryphal. The author makes no attempt to assert that they happened. Read with a grain of salt."

The chapter was split up into several subsections, each one recounting a tale. The sources ranged from "Alliance First Infantry Division Bryan Steward" to "Unknown Woman in Faerghan Magic Corps." A few even just had "Unknown." The stories varied wildly in believability; reports of a chicken with the Crest of Gloucester, silent assassinations of entire divisions that were covered up by the government, men in… men in black robes and _crow masks with pointed noses? _A giant beast that talked? The… _The Immaculate One?!_ This revolution happened in fucking 801, it's been 200-something years but there are stories like this?

I was beginning to freak out. This little refresher on some history to raise support with Lysithea was spiraling out of control. Those Who Slither in the Dark, the Beast of Macuil, and… Rhea? Or was it that other dragon you fight in Claude's paralogue? I skipped over the boring ones, reading with shaking hands the account that mentioned the Agarthans. The source of the account was listed as an unknown soldier, but the author had a note next to it saying that the archive that he had gotten that information from had said that the man disappeared shortly after recounting the story.

_I woke up late one night, after ev'ryone had gone to sleep,_ the account started. _I had a fiery headache and full bladder from drink. We was out near the river Airmid, and had been fightin' the Airmid stalemate for a good two months. I din't want to wake nobody, so I went farther out then usual, found a nice spot by the river, which gets might shallow come summer. As I was relievin' myself, I stumbled upon something mighty strange. Five or six figures across the river, all dressed in black 's far as I could tell, huddled 'round some lumpy, squirming shape. At first, well, I thought I had me a couple jobbers out for a late night hunt or something. I finished doin' the deed, but soon as I took one step to walk away, _crack! _Stepped right on a twig. Those creepy devil-fellas all snapped up to look at me, and this was the strangest part. They was wearing these long-nosed masks, like they plucked off the feathers of a bird and stuck it right on their heads! Just then, mother Moon shone bright, and I saw that the lump 'tween them was no buck or chicken, it was a man, just like you or I, balled up all naked. There was big red lashes all over his body, and bruises too. He had great big burns all cross his body too, it was a sorry sight to behold. Soon as they turned to look at me, I knew I had to get out, so turned to run for the hills. But right then, the man on the ground picked up his face and looked right at me, and I won't never forget the pain in his eyes. His eyes seemed to cry for help, and Seiros above did it look like he needed it. The group of masks looked at me, and then, all at the same time, conjured up magic; fire, thunder, blizzard, and some the likes of which I'd never seen before or since. I scrambled back, but just when I thought I was far enough—_

Someone grabbed my arm and pulled hard, dragging me away from the bookshelf and into the corner of the room, behind a pillar. Lysithea's bright purple eyes widened at me in surprise, narrowed at me in suspicion, and glanced furtively around the room to see if someone was watching, all at the same time.

"What do you think you're doing?" she whisper-hissed at me. "How did you find that book?!"

Her eyes widened yet further when she saw the page I was on, and she startled as if visibly struck. Her small hand gripped onto my arm even tighter, nails digging into my skin without her even noticing. "That page, too? Who are you?"

I stuttered for a second, completely off put by her intensity. Genuine fear sparkled in her eyes, and I felt the magic welling up inside her to strike at any moment. She was as taut as a spring. Then I remembered that I didn't have to talk, so I gave my mouth to Byleth.

"We should go somewhere more private," Byleth said calmly.

Lysithea didn't move. "I don't think so. You're going to answer me _now."_

_She's too on edge and paranoid to listen to us,_ Byleth told me. _I want you to look right in her eyes._

I bent down slightly and Lysithea tensed yet further. Imploringly, I looked directly at her face as Byleth spoke, trying to look as honest as possible. "I saw what book you were reading and found a copy in the bookshelf. I just went to the chapter that seemed the most interesting."

She didn't speak for a few seconds, just looking me over. She opened her mouth, but just then Claude peeked his head around the pillar.

"Byleth, there you are! I wanted to let you know that I'm about to head out, and…" He paused when he saw the situation Lysithea and I were in, staring up at him like Golden Deer in headlights, Lysithea's nails now having drawn blood from my arm. "You guys okay?"

Lysithea's hand disappeared from around my arm and, snatching the still open book from my hand, whipped around her back. I heard a soft thump as she snapped the book closed behind her.

"Just fine, Claude!" Lysithea said, all too cheerily.

Claude looked to me. I could see Lysithea panic, thinking that I might try to tell Claude what she did and uncover her secret, but before she could try to make an excuse for me to leave, Byleth spoke.

"We're fine, Claude. Feel free to leave, we were just talking."

Claude slowly nodded, backing away reluctantly. I gestured with my hand and he sped up.

"… All right then, I'll be in the Dining Hall if you need me."

Lysithea looked at me in bewilderment as Claude left the room.

"I wanted to make sure that you knew that you could trust me. I'm telling the truth."

"I… I can't believe it. There is no way that you would not only find the book I was reading, a book that has been _outlawed_ by the Church, but also find the exact page and passage that—" she cut off, realizing she nearly gave away something about herself. "Why was I so foolish as to read this here?" she cursed herself, then turned to me. "Do you even… do you even know what you've stumbled upon?"

"No, but after your reaction then I have some guesses. That passage, about the masked men—it's real, isn't it?"

Lysithea looked torn between telling the truth to get me off of her back and hiding her secret.

_This isn't good, Byleth. We need to give Lysithea an out. She obviously isn't comfortable talking about this with anyone yet, especially not with a suspicious stranger._

_I concur,_ Byleth said, _and I have an idea._

"Listen, Lysithea. I've accidentally put you in a bad spot, and for that I apologize. I have both questions and suspicions, but I realize that I'm not in a position to deal with them fairly. I don't want to blackmail you to give me answers about questions that may or may not even pertain to me or my future, so I'm letting you know explicitly that I won't tell anyone. Not Claude, not the Church, not anyone. Your untold secrets are safe with me."

"You could obviously be lying to get away from me now so you can tattle on me the moment my back is turned!" Lysithea glared at me. "Do you honestly think that because I'm young, I'm foolish enough to be coddled by lies like a child?"

"No. Of course not. That's why I'm proposing an exchange." Byleth told her. "I've heard something that you didn't want to hear about you, something that, judging by your reaction, could prove ruinous to your life. So, to make sure that I will keep my lips sealed, I'll tell you something I don't want people to know about me."

_Hey, uhh Byleth? Where are you going with this?_

_Just wait. You'll see._

"Nothing that you could tell me could match the secrets of my life," she said contemptuously.

Byleth told (read: ordered) me to crouch, so reluctantly I did, looked her in her eyes, and Byleth said, "Are you sure about that?"

She visibly gulped, the intensity of the stare not lost on her.

"What if I told you," Byleth said, "that I have a secret so ruinous that a passing mention could destroy my future irrevocably? Make the Archbishop herself order every one of the Knights of Seiros to come back with my head?"

_Byleth, if you're about to do what I think you're about to do, here's some advice: FUCKING DON'T._

_Trust me Lucien. I wouldn't jeopardize our future, I'm stuck in the same body as you._

"Such a secret exists?"

Byleth told me to nod, and I did, but by then I was considering taking away my mouth from her.

"I find that doubtful. However, telling me poses no risk to myself greater than the danger that I'm already in. Tell me your secret, and I will decide whether or not to let you go." Lysithea feigned impartiality, but even I could tell she was intrigued with Byleth's proposal.

_I'm not saying I don't trust you to do what you think is best, I'm just saying that maybe we should talk about this a little before—_

"Unfortunately, I can't tell it to you. Not yet, at least," Byleth said, cutting me off.

"What?" Lysithea said, doubtful and slightly cross. "Since you haven't told me the secret, then there's no point. Was there ever a secret? I can't believe I ever—"

"No," Byleth said. "I told you a secret. One that could get me killed if you told it to the wrong people."

"Huh?"

"I told you that _such a secret even exists._"

Lysithea paused, taking a moment to collect her thoughts.

"So it's my decision whether or not this satisfies me?" she finally said.

"Correct. Just as I know only that a secret about you exists, you now know that a secret about me exists."

"Well it doesn't. It doesn't satisfy me in the slightest. How could it?"

Byleth sighed. "Then—"

"However, I have to believe that it exists. Or, at least, I have decided that it's worth enough credence for me to find it out. I'm not one to base anything on hunches, but somehow I can't shake the feeling that our secrets are related. You are a peculiar, mysterious person, the only type of person that I am willing to spend my time on." She smiled, a mixture of genuine happiness and the thrill of a challenge. "Very well," Lysithea said, walking a few paces away before turning back and extending her hand towards me. "Prepare yourself! Byleth, you have better not just lied, because I will stop at nothing to find out your secret."

Byleth smiled back.

_What the fuck have you just gotten into?_ I thought, though I wasn't sure if I was talking to her for doing it or to myself for going along with it.

**AN: Phew. This chapter feels short, even though it's just as long as the others. It also took very very long to write, especially since I had a bunch of ideas I wanted to incorporate and no idea how I was going to incorporate them. I still do have ideas, some that I think a really crazy and cool, but at least now I have a way I can write about them. Some of those ideas you might see in the next few chapters, but you gotta be patient for others. And that reminds me: if I ever decide that I'm not going to continue this story any longer, I'll post a chapter that has all of my ideas so hopefully they get seen and appreciated. And yeah, I know that that's what Gone2GroundEX said before he didn't upload a new chapter of Asleep for FOUR FUCKING YEARS, but whatever. I'm not bitter. Whatever. Way to leave us on a fucking cliffhanger there, bud. Still doing NaNoWriMo and finals, huh? HUH?**

**Anyway, yeah! Lysithea for the win! I didn't entirely mean for the chapter to end up like this, but it was kinda the only way I could see a conversation between those two going. Plus, it leaves me with plenty of options in the plot. I don't want to raise any hopes, but I think that writing should hopefully go faster from now on. Unless I lose motivation or something. And by the way, I don't know if any of you have realized it, but I've been retroactively changing stuff in the previous chapters that I notice is wrong, or could be worded better, or whatever. It's nothing important enough to reread for, but if you noticed, that's why.**

**One last thing, I got an _insane_ amount of support in those first three chapters. My phone was blowing up with follower notifications. And I got my first positive review and they were super nice and encouraging, so thank you so much rileyhopkinsholt you fucking made my week. I can't stop smiling whenever I think about it, you're a legend. **

**Okay, I'mma peace out now. This day hopefully won't be a million parts long even though the pacing is making it look like it. In any case, I only really know the Golden Deer characters, and since that will be the house Lucien chooses then the most time will be spent on those guys and gals. For now. See ya.**


	5. Day 2 Part 2

**Great Tree Moon, 4/21 1180 (Sunday)**  
Professor's Log, Day 2 Part 2: "Were there always this many people in the Monastery?"

_I'm sorry, truly,_ Byleth said to me for the fifth time after we left the Golden Deer classroom. _I know that I didn't consult you and just went along with my own plans. You were completely right when you said that we needed to have talked about it before I said what I said. I should have let you know my intent from the beginning, so that—_

_I get it. I get it, _I finally said to her. _At first I was kinda mad, but I get it. Why shouldn't you be able to do what you want, it's your body so—_

_But it's not! _Byleth snapped. _It's not my body… not anymore. It's wrong for me to think it is; it's an insult to you. The past doesn't matter, and right now it's less of my body than it is yours._

_Are you kidding me? I'd have to be an idiot to think that I have even half the right to this body as compared to you. I'm not you. And you are. _I told her, irritated at her insistence and upset that she was even making me think about it.

_That is completely irrelevant! Right now, we both have to be me. Except you have it worse because you have to pretend and I don't. And I would be the idiot, not you, to think that wrestling control out of the one thing that you still have control of is okay. I lost my body, but you lost _everything, _you're just refusing to admit it. _She paused. _We have to be a team. And I forgot that, to speak nothing of the possible consequences of what I said._

I was about to retort, but just then I reached the Blue Lions classroom. Walking slowly inside, I saw Mercedes and Annette talking while walking towards the entryway.

"… And then the child looked up at me, all wide-eyed and thankful, and I just couldn't help but give him another slice. But that was—oh! I'm sorry, I didn't see you there." Annette had stopped, but Mercedes was so taken up in telling a story that she nearly walked into me.

"It's fine," Byleth said to her. "My name is Byleth, may I ask yours?"

"It's a pleasure to meet you! I'm Mercedes, and this is—"

"I'm Annette!" Annette said. "Are you someone from the Monast—no, wait, you must be the one Dimitri mentioned, the mercenary!"

They were so… bright. The sun seemed to reflect off their eyes and smiles, and I felt blinded.

I nodded in response.

"Thanks for taking care of Dimitri. According to him, you were pretty gallant!"

"Of course."

Awkward silence, none of us knowing what to say.

Mercedes smiled. "If you ever have any worries, feel free to come to me whenever."

Her words sparked my memories, something about Mercedes and other people's worries, but I was too caught up in trying not to make a bad first impression that I pushed it out of my mind for the time being.

"Thank you," but I felt like my problems and worries would be a bit big for her.

They walked off in the direction of the dining hall.

_What time is it even?_ I wondered, not expecting an answer.

_The last bell was at seven. _

Sheesh, I was up early. But I suppose that this was the time most normal people would wake up and eat. In history, ever since the invention of the lightbulb then sleep schedules were allowed to get out of whack, but people in this world probably just worked from sunup to sundown, maybe had a drink with friends or family, and then went to sleep. Again, being next to the Monastery certainly provided more structure to things, what with time being actually recorded somewhere, but unless you had a pocket watch, which almost certainly didn't exist yet, or something like a wall clock, which were probably extremely expensive, you had no way of telling the time unless you were near a church. But, since we're near a church, we can pretty easily schedule classes and activities based on time, as long as they're on the hour.

Inside the Blue Lions classroom, I saw Ashe, sitting and reading by his lonesome. Don't hate me for this, but I've never liked Ashe. He's so… boring, or something. He looks and acts pretty generic on a surface level, so I've never taken an interest in him. Don't get me wrong, maybe he's actually a super deep person when you get to know him. But I don't know, since I've never gotten to know him.

He looked up when he saw me. "I heard your conversation with Annette and Mercedes. Are you going to be joining the Blue Lions?"

I wasn't sure what to answer. I didn't really want to lie, but I also definitely couldn't tell him the truth. So, I decided to say something ambiguous.

"I'm still deciding what house to join. I don't really belong in any one nation."

Hey, It wasn't my fault if he decided that "join" meant "join as a student."

"That's interesting! It'd be fun to have another classmate. Plus, everyone in this house seems to already have someone they know except for me. Then again, that's only to be expected when they're all nobles from birth and I'm adopted…" he said, trailing off. "Oh, but I'm sorry to be dumping all this onto you when we've just met. Feel free to look around!"

He was kinda right. Dimitri and Dedue (and to a lesser extent, Felix), Sylvain and Ingrid, Mercedes and Annette, they were all pairs already. Well, too bad for him, I wasn't going to teach Blue Lions. I didn't feel like I could have an interesting conversation with him, so I walked around the room, checking it out—noting that Lysithea's book was nowhere to be seen in this house's collection—and eventually leaving, saying goodbye to Ashe.

The Black Eagles room was empty, everyone having either gone to lunch or not even shown up. Chairs sat almost fully pushed in to long tables, the fireplace, unlit, was placed at the back of the room, and papers were scattered all across the table, everything from battle plans to shopping lists. The sounds from outside of people talking and laughing, armor clanking, and footsteps pounding along the paths all seemed to echo from inside the room, muted in a dreamy way, as if you covered your ears with tin or hard plastic. The light too, seemed to fade as it entered the room, the backside farthest from the door being almost totally dark. It was both comforting to be alone and unsettling the way that I seemed almost isolated.

As I walked around the dark and echoey room, I realized that, for the first time since bathing, I was alone. It had only been maybe an hour and a half since I had woken up, but I suddenly felt drained. It washed over me as soon as I realized I was by myself like an awful riptide wave, crashing down at me all at once and sucking me under instantly, swirling me about until I lost which way was up towards the surface. All the emotions that had hit me the previous night were racing into me once again, as if the sudden loneliness had opened a gate to the highly pressurized chamber that held my volatile self-doubt.

I all but sprinted out, gasping for air. The sunlight blinded me, my eyes having adjusted to the darkness of the Black Eagle classroom. The whole series of events made me feel even weaker, and hot shame flooded through me. I was too weak to even be alone.

_Should we head to the dining hall then?_ Byleth asked me, in an obvious attempt to get my mind off of what had just happened.

_I'm not feeling too hungry,_ I responded. _Let's catch Dimitri in the training grounds._

Begging myself not to think about it anymore, I took a left from the door, and then another left to end up by the sauna and training grounds. Jeritza was standing to the side of the entrance, but since I knew he didn't like being bothered, I passed right by him.

The training grounds were surprisingly crowded. I guess that morning training before breakfast is popular, huh? It was also big; even though so many people were there, there was enough room for everyone to spread out and still have enough space for a training dummy. Some kids were doing pushups, pullups, or dumbbell lifting. Dimitri, who I'd seen earlier, was sparring with Dedue and Caspar. By the looks of it, it was an "every man for themselves" type of situation. Felix was absolutely destroying a training dummy, situated as far away as possible from Dimitri as he could be. Leonie was doing pushups in a corner of the room designated for workouts, along with a few unnamed students—well, they have names now, but you know what I mean.

Upon seeing me, Dimitri held up his hand, Dedue and Caspar stopping and lowering their weapons. He stuck his spear into the sand, said a quick word to the two of them, and then jogged over to me, his sparring partners continuing without him.

"Byleth! Were you also looking to get some training in before you eat? If you'd like, you could join Caspar, Dedue, and I. I'm sure they'd love some advice on how to improve."

"Trying to make me teach your class before I've even decided, huh?"

Dimitri looked awkward, possibly trying to decide whether it was a joke or not.

"Relax," Byleth said (was it just me, or did Byleth seem to have more of a personality already—was that from my influence?), "and I'm not here to train, just to talk to the students."

"Ah, I see," Dimitri said, relieved to be out of the situation, but he also seemed somewhat crestfallen about not getting any instructions.

"I can give you some pointers if you want, though…"

"That would be highly appreciated."

"Who in your class is here? Do you mind pointing them out to me?"

"Of course!" he said, a little too enthusiastically. "First is Felix, he's over there with the training dummy. As you can see, he specializes in the sword. It looks like the only other person here from the Blue Lions is Dedue—the tall one who I was sparring with. He likes using both gauntlets and axes, and is thinking about—"

"I'd like to find out that sort of stuff by asking the person themself, if you don't mind."

"No, of course. Well then, if you need anything—or you end up wanting to join in—be sure to let me know."

As he walked off back towards his partners, I quietly breathed a sigh of relief. Somehow, being back with other people had taken my mind off of what had happened in the Black Eagles classroom. I thought it would seem weird if I talked to Dimitri and then just walked off without interacting with his fellow students, so, as loathe as I was to have to interact so much, I walked over to Felix.

I (uncomfortably and awkwardly) introduced myself to each person in the room, needing to once again be vague about whether I was a student or not. Most of them took the misdirect at face value, but Felix seemed suspicious. I guess he ultimately decided to let it pass, but I predicted that he'd probably be one of the least surprised when word got out that I was a professor—and thinking that made me realize again with all new clarity _holy shit, I'm going to be a professor_.

As for Dimitri and friends' training match, I had Byleth analyze their fighting still and give some pointers. I figured that eventually I'd have to pitch in too—learn to speak the language, both figuratively and literally—but with how daunting it all seemed, I felt completely useless trying to notice the minute things she was pointing out; a left foot step too far back, a parry gone awry from incorrect stance, a lot of it seemed random to me. How Byleth was noticing after seeing each thing wrong only once was, and still is, beyond me. It's people like her, people with a 50/50 between genius and hard work, that make me feel truly stupid. I don't have either, but pretend to have both. I hated studying, couldn't buckle down and do a big project or homework assignment to save my life, and was—let's be real here—addicted to video games. I counted my days of solitude off with pride, notches on some secret medal that somehow made me better than everyone else. Take Byleth, born into a cruel world and forced to take lives, needing to fight tooth and nail for every loaf of bread or a bed to sleep on, and still somehow _she's_ the one who has it together. I lived unceremoniously and unthankfully in a life of comfort while Byleth barely lived at all, and I have the gall to call _myself_ unhappy?

Well, those were just the thoughts I was having. I didn't come to a resolution or anything from them, but I eventually hid them away, trying to convince myself that what I was before doesn't matter, that I need to focus on moving forward now that there's so much on my plate. It felt like bullshit, some sort of motivational speaking or an outsider trying to simply solve your problems, but it was the best I had.

After I had talked to all the important (and some of the unimportant) people on the training grounds, I went to the dining hall. I didn't feel hungry, but my mind's thought process was that food is necessary to live, therefore I should eat. I don't normally get very hungry, even back in my world. Back then it was kind of fun, I would see how long I could go without eating, see if I could wait until dinner; or maybe it was just that I was such a lazy slob it was too much work to go downstairs to get food—at some point I became so good at lying to myself that I'm not even sure what I wanted to do. And now that I'm thinking about it, did it ever even matter?

The dining hall was crowded as people ate breakfast. After a cursory glance I could spot Claude sitting by Hilda and Lorenz, Raphael in line (on what definitely did not seem to be his first trip), Ingrid sitting by Mercedes and Annette as Sylvain flittered around her, and Ferdinand sitting properly and eating daintily by himself. I was struck with the suddenly uncomfortable realization that I'd have to pick a group of students to sit with (it quite scarily reminded me of finding a lunch table at school), and then further realizing that what I was doing was basically the game's system to raise support levels.

_Whaddaya think?_ I asked Byleth.

_I don't think it particularly matters. Perhaps the Golden Deer students, as they'll be the ones you'll spend the most time with anyway in the near future. We can cement ourselves in their minds and make a good impression._

_Works for me._

I ended up in line behind Raphael. He was holding a plate that had clearly seen a lot of use this morning. Also of note, he was _fucking huge_. Dimitri and Claude had towered over me, sure, but Raphael was a fucking mountain. In both height and width he beat out every other person I'd seen. Even still, despite his immense size, his cheerful smile and relaxed posture make him stand out too much—though it didn't help that

"You look new here! Do I know you?"

"I _am_ new here; I'm Byleth. You are?"

"The name's Raphael. Are you enjoying your time at the monastery? I know I sure am! And let me tell you a little secret a figured out—" he leaned forwards conspiratorily "—you can keep filling up your plate and no one notices."

I didn't quite want to tell him that the food had tasted like ash to me last night, or that I could barely force down all that I had had on my plate.

Instead, I said, "that sounds useful for someone who must eat as much as you do."

"It is! I can't wait to—oh, we're up!"

I looked around to realize we had slowly shuffled upwards in line, and now we were at the front. It seemed weird, but it looked like there was someone who'd take your order and give you amounts of precooked food from the back (that I assumed was being warmed by fires, real or magical). I wasn't sure if this was how real restaurants in this time period worked or if Garreg Mach was an exception, but either way it seemed very modern. It took me being in the world, but I've really begun to notice just how much our medieval times were different than that of Fire Emblem, most likely because of the versatility of magic.

"A plate of the Grondor meat skewers sounds great, thanks!" Raphael said, finishing up his order.

The Dining Hall attendant looked to me. Panicked, I told Byleth to just ask for the same thing as Raphael. It would be easier and seem more natural than having to ask about foods. It also didn't help that Byleth and I weren't the most extroverted people.

Having received my food, I warily followed Raphael to the table I had seen earlier with the Golden Deer members. Raphael sat down next to Hilda, creating a four person "block" of two people sitting across from two people, leaving me to sit awkwardly on Hilda's other side as a sort of footnote to the group.

Claude, fortunately for Byleth and I, introduced us to the table. Hilda and I chatted for a little bit, all unimportant stuff but I was so focused on not saying something stupid I can't remember a single word of the conversation.

_Lucien, discreetly look towards Lorenz_.

It was a bit of an odd request, but I didn't see what I had to lose, so when I looked away from Hilda to take a bite of tasteless meat on a stick, I snuck a quick glance at Lorenz. It wasn't obvious, but I could definitely, now that Byleth had pointed it out to me, see he was checking me out. Like, _checking me out_. I immediately felt completely self conscious of my body, and, if not for a warning by Byleth, may have less discreetly covered the gap above my low-cut shirt that now seemed conspicuous and attention-drawing.

I spent the rest of the meal uncomfortable. I couldn't decide if it was okay for him to look; I wasn't sure if I should feel offended, or glorified, but all I ended up feeling was ashamed and uncomfortable. I also can't deny that there wasn't a knee-jerk reaction of something akin to the gag reflex when I saw Lorenz looking at me like… that—and you know what, the less said about this, the better.

My conversation with Hilda was interrupted when I heard Claude greet someone before they sat down at the table across from me. I looked up to see Lysithea's pale red eyes regarding me coolly. Claude looked between us worriedly before beginning to speak, but Lysithea cut him off.

"There's nothing to worry about, Claude. Byleth and I have made fast friends. Right?"

I nodded. Claude wasn't convinced, but he decided to let it go, presumably to not make a scene. I was slightly worried about how the relationship between Lysithea and I would progress, but it was also a little bit reassuring—some kind of case study that I can do things off script without completely fucking up.

After I'd finished eating, I very briefly went around introducing myself to the other groups of people. Nothing interesting or memorable, I just wanted to make sure I'd hit everyone before I went back to Lady Rhea. Edelgard was the only house leader I hadn't met yet that day, so I figured that I'd look for her, introducing myself to everyone I met along the way. I passed by Dorothea in the halls, introduced myself to Marianne as she prayed in the Monastery, unsurprisingly found Bernadetta hidden away in her room, and said hi to Ignatz as he bustled from the second floor down to his room, a book clutched in his hand.

The search eventually me upstairs to the library. A couple of Black Eagle students were there, maybe having a group study session or something. Edelgard at a table with a few textbooks and notebooks open, Hubert right behind her, Petra talking animatedly to her. Linhardt was off to the side, not directly part of the group, reading with his head down.

Edelgard stood up to greet me. Hubert eyed me warily.

"Byleth—I was hoping you'd come."

I nodded in response.

"Please, sit. If you don't mind, then I'd like your advice for some of my work," she said, and gestured towards her open books.

_Sheesh, no room for discussion, huh? At least Dimitri had asked._

_You would have said yes to her anyway, why do you care?_ Byleth asked me.

_I dunno. Guess it just seems like the courteous thing to do._

As I sat down, Petra excitedly introduced herself to me.

She said—well, this is obviously translating broken Japanese into broken English, but—"I am called Petra! It is a pleasure to be meeting you."

Her voice sounded vaguely like those anime characters who are supposed to be from America or something, so they over-enunciate everything in what is apparently an English accent in Japan. I was vaguely curious as to if the voices for all of the characters were of the real voice actors, but since I had played the game in English then I wasn't sure.

"A pleasure," Byleth said.

"Across the room there is Linhardt. As you can see, he values a… passive approach to learning."

His top half was splayed across a table, a book that he had been reading still clutched in his hand and being used as a pillow.

"And behind me is Hubert von Vestra, tactician and vassal to me. He has served me since I was a child."

"I would like to thank you for aiding Her Highness in the skirmish yesterday."

With all that malarkey out of the way, I stayed and (Byleth) gave advice on strategic formations based on Edelgard's notes and a few books she'd pulled off the shelves. I was trying to absorb all the information too—I need to get good at living in this world quickly or else—but it was kind of like hopping into a conversation partway through. The individual cases that they were describing I could understand the logic of, but since I lacked the fundamental backbone of basic strategy I felt lost.

Well, anyway, that went on for… well, since I don't have a watch or a phone anymore, I don't know how long I was there. But after I finally escaped, I went to see Lady Rhea. When I reached the audience hall, where Lady Rhea was talking with Seteth, she broke off from her conversation, and after a few words to Seteth, who walked past me out of the room, she turned to me and smiled.

"I assume you've made your choice, Byleth?"

"I have."

"Then it will only be a few seconds now—Seteth is getting Hanneman and Manuela."

We waited in what to me was awkward silence, but Lady Rhea seemed unperturbed by the mood. To be honest, her weird deviation from the game's script from the morning still unsettled me, making my uncomfortableness even greater.

Seteth returned, my two future colleagues in tow.

"So I assume you have talked to all of the students, then, Byleth?" Hanneman said to me.

I nodded.

"Manuela and I have decided to let you have first pick of which class you would like to teach. As we have more experience at teaching, and since you are new here, feel free to choose."

"And if you are having trouble deciding, just remember that _all_ of the students are full of potential," Manuela added.

The group stopped talking for a few seconds, letting me mull through my options.

Eventually, Rhea looked to me. It wasn't tangible, but at such an important moment I felt like some weight, some burden from the future was placed on me right then. A little kick on the behind from Fate, telling me _don't mess up,_ I guess.

"I will teach the Golden Deer."

"Very well," Rhea said, smiling—or had she ever stopped smiling? "Teach these impressionable youth well, and make the Goddess happy."

I felt a hollow relief. A feeling that was sort of a "no matter what happens, at least you've chosen something," like how you'd feel after you've taken a test you're not sure how you did on. At least it's over. The half-baked plan to save the entire world without death, barely thought through in the first day I'd spent alive in this world, had officially and irrevocably commenced.

Well, that's just how I felt at the time.

Manuela took the Black Eagles, and Hanneman the Blue Lions. Seteth explained the mock battle coming up, and then we were dismissed.

"Byleth, if I may," said Hanneman, sauntering up to my side as we were leaving. "If you wouldn't mind, come to my office with me for a second. I have something I would like you to try."

_Oh, I think this is where he checks our Crest. Byleth, did you look that far ahead in my memories?_

_Yes, I've just about gotten through all of your… "playthrough" of the game._

Sheesh. _You multitasked while talking?_

_I only had to focus on controlling one part of the body. It was doable._

_Huh._

_More importantly,_ she said to me suddenly, _if we cannot use the "divine pulse," are we to assume that this body no longer has the Crest of Flames. Or, in other words, what will happen when we use the crest analyser?_

_Good point. _I hadn't even thought about it. _Will—will Lady Rhea be suspicious if nothing shows up? And will we be able to power up and get The Enlightened One class? And who's gonna revive us after we—actually, for that one, I'm not planning on letting that happen. But still, what's gonna happen?_

_There is only one way to find out, _Byleth said eventually.

We reached Hanneman's office (it was like 10 steps, seriously), and he began explaining his interest in Crests before requesting me to place my above the Crest analyser. Anxiously, I outstretched my hand palm-down, a few feet above the purple disk that makes up the base of the analyzer.

Nothing. The machine lit up for a brief second, perhaps scanning some magical energies inside Byleth's body, but went dark.

Hanneman frowned. "Hmm. I had you completely pegged for the type, too."

_Byleth? This'll sound weird, but how about you try extending the hand?_

Hanneman continued, saying, "Well, now, don't get too discouraged. Crests are exceedingly ra—"

Sparks flew up from the machine and purple light sputtered from the disk, reaching up to Byleth's hand. For a split second, relief flooded me, and I looked to Hanneman, who most definitely would have excitement in his eyes, too.

Except he didn't. He frowned harder.

"I have never seen _that_ before," he said. "Yet this is somehow stranger."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I have never seen someone need to try again to get their Crest to show. But stranger still is the display of the device now. Withdraw your hand, please?"

I looked back to the analyzer, assuming he was confused because it was only showing part of a Crest. But in the lit purple circle being projected by the device was… well, it was nothing. It wasn't like I—Byleth—didn't have a Crest, or else nothing would've happened, like when I tried. It's like my Crest itself was _nothing_.

"Absolutely extraordinary! However, as a scientist I will not allow myself to be convinced after one test. Please, wait here a moment. I'll re-tune the device and you can try again."

He set to work, but not before trying his own Crest, the Crest of Indech, which was displayed normally. In a few short minutes, before I even bad time to really contemplate what the strangeness in displaying the Crest meant, he was already urging me to put my hand back over the machine.

Byleth did, and the exact same thing happened. Hanneman changed the "window size," if you could call it that, but it still didn't work. He figured out the window size, magnifier, display port, nor any other part of the machine was in disrepair or failing to operate properly.

"Congratulations, Byleth. You have me completely stupefied. I will have to do more research, attempt a new device, and get back to you. But fear not! I will find your Crest somewhere in that body of yours. I'm sure of it."

"Sorry to take up so much of your time."

His eyes lit up. "Of course not! This could lead me down the most fascinating avenue into Crestology I have seen in years! If only I didn't have to teach so many students, I could focus more on this—but excuse me, that is never something a teacher should say."

"Before I leave, do you mind if I borrow some of your teaching materials? I plan on writing my own lesson plans, but… well, as is obvious, I haven't really had time to prepare."

"Certainly! The lesson plans for the new year are in the leftmost drawer of my desk," he said, then got back to theorizing muttering softly under his breath.

I grabbed a sheet, realizing suddenly that they had someway to print extra copies, because the exact same piece of paper was on his desk, with annotated notes in black pen.

As I walked out, thanking him as I passed, I heard one of the things he was saying to himself.

"Could something be interfering with the analyzer's technology, something in Byleth's body? It feels like the Crest is being…blocked by something," he said, and scribbled down notes quickly, underlining it a few times.

My blood went cold.

Of _course_ that was it.

It was _my _fault. Again.

I walked stiffly from the room. Hanneman took no notice.

_Lucien, this—_

_No,_ I said sadly. _I'm right. I know for sure now. It's _so _obvious looking back on it now. Because of me, you—_

_That's not what I was going to say! Listen, Lucien. This information is not new. If I had divine pulse in the "game," and do not have it now, there could only be one cause. There is no need to get discouraged or beat yourself up now—you have already done that. This isn't new. We can do this without any fancy power over time._

_That's…That's not why I'm so upset about this._

_What do you mean? _Byleth asked.

_I just mean…well…_ I struggled with a way to put it. _Think about it like this. If I weren't here, you would be so much stronger. You'd be free. But now? I've stolen your body, stolen your powers, stolen your freedom and privacy…_

_All unintentio—_

_Whether I wanted it or not doesn't matter! The world didn't care whether I wanted to come here or not, so why should I? But what remains is that, regardless of if we can save everyone or not, regardless of if we can beat the game or not, regardless of if I wanted it or not, I've stolen something irreplaceable from you. And there's no guarantee—and no reason to believe—that you'll ever get it back._

A long pause.

_I get it now, _she finally said. _You're tearing yourself up over how _I _must be feeling. Every obstacle that comes our way, every problem that has arisen—not being able to divine pulse, me not being able to control my body, and now not being able to see the Crest of Flames—you have become upset not because it inconvenienced you, but because it inconvenienced me. You're making yourself feel bad based on what you think I'm feeling. But why would you do that? Is it to make me feel better? To make me feel less disgraced? Are you doing this all for me?_

_Byleth—_

_No Lucien, let me finish. The point I'm trying to make is that you have never once asked me how I was feeling. You have only projected how I "must be feeling" onto me. Maybe you would say that it's to make me feel better, or less alone, or less isolated. But, if you ask what I think, you're just looking for excuses to make yourself feel worse. I'm just an excuse, a scapegoat in your subconscious's need to torment itself. It should not matter to you _that _much how I feel. Sometimes, you need to let go and focus on yourself. I am telling you now: I will be fine. Stop blaming yourself over something you couldn't have controlled based on feelings that you're projecting onto me._

I wanted to refute it. I wanted to tell her why she was wrong.

But I couldn't bring myself to so much as talk to Byleth; how could I, after she'd just laid that on me? Instead, waves of hot shame and embarrassment rolled over me like a bulldozer. I felt like an immature kid. I was being told how I felt when I didn't even know that I felt it, so some part of me was like "that's obviously not true." But there was also a kind of acceptance or recognition to what she was saying, in some awful way.

I just felt so embarrassed.

"Byleth!" said someone, and it snapped me out of my thoughts.

It was Claude.

"I'm so glad I found you. Most of the Golden Deer is grabbing dinner now. Do you wanna tag along?"

To be honest, I didn't want to go. But I figured that it would look bad not to go, or it would look weird to go by myself and get caught. I wasn't really hungry, but I thought I could eat. So, I agreed.

"Have you decided on a house yet?" he asked as we walked.

"That's a secret. You'll find out tomorrow, like everyone else."

"Aww, but the suspense is killing me!"

I don't know whether he was just acting as he always acts or if he could, through some form of divination, tell that I was upset and embarrassed and was wilfully trying to distract me, but, no matter the case, the way that Claude put just enough emphasis and inflection in his voice allowed me to become distracted, even if just while we were talking. I felt my mood slowly lighten until we reached the hall.

A bunch of Golden Deer really were there. The only people missing, so far as I could tell, were Marianne, Leonie, and… no, I think those two were it. Seeing such a large group of people in this world, people that looked both familiar and different at the same time, it made me question for the hundredth time how any of this was real. There was something so strange about imagining that they all grew up in this world, that they lived every second of every day in this invisible world for seventeen years or more, breathing and eating and sleeping and just existing. I felt like pinching myself.

Stranger still was that I was now a sojourner of this world I thought was so impossible. I found myself picturing some version of me in the future, sitting around the table with this group of perfect strangers in front of me, these paradoxical living breathing _things_, laughing and having fun and poking each other playfully. Is that a real premonition? Can I really say that I could ever fit in with such a group in such a world? Or was it that the person I was imagining laughing alongside them was not actually me, but just some unrealistic, romanticized vision of Byleth that I have? Is it okay to work for a future like this, a future that I want? Do I even want it?

My previously warm premonition now sour, I banished the thoughts quickly from my mind, feeling altogether embarrassed. Claude sat me down next to him, either reading my discomfort at being the odd one out from a group of people, or to be able to ask questions to try and figure out which house I'd chosen. I wasn't exactly starving, but I could eat, so I did.

I didn't say much, just observed for the most part, trying to learn how the group flowed, how conversations started and ended, and get a feel for the vibe of the group. Occasionally I would get asked something or someone would hand the ball to me, or, very rarely, I would see a spot where the conversation could use my (or Byleth's) particular insight, usually when the conversation would shift to fighting.

I got stew, and learned at the same time that there was a list of menu items posted on one of the walls. The meal was hearty and flavorful, but most of all _warm_. As I walked back to my room from the hall, cold night air prickling my skin, the heat in my stomach formed almost a barrier against the outside, at least until I reached my room.

In my room, it all came back.

Seeing the familiar walls, the bed I'd cried myself to sleep in, the floor I'd almost thrown up on… I felt the life that I'd had up until reaching the door get sucked out of me. I was half undressed, as I'd lost energy while changing out of my uniform, and just sat sedately on my bed.

_I need to go to bed, _I said.

_You do._

As I struggled with removing the rest of my clothes, I realized something kind of important. I realized why it was easier to… easier to _be_ when other people were watching, why I lost myself whenever I was alone. When it's just Byleth and I, alone together and by ourselves, I can't pretend to be Byleth anymore. I _have_ to be me. And that's why it hurts so bad. I was pretending to be Byleth in more ways than just physically. I was trying to not just play her, but _be _her. I thought that if I could become her, I wouldn't have to be me, and then I wouldn't have to be sad about the past, or worried about the future, or traumatized about taking lives. I had been doing it so unconsciously, running away from the pain on pure instinct.

And Byleth had known that all along. That's why Byleth had felt so bad for doing things without consulting me, why she refused to admit that it was her rightful body; because for as much as I wanted to become Byleth, as much as my doubt and fear-riddled brain _needed_ escape, it was that very same brain that was feeding me thoughts that I didn't deserve it. Byleth was fighting against that brain, quietly and resolutely, to stop my wallowing. And she still says that _I'm _the one who has it worse.

My eyes were tired but couldn't close.

Couldn't, of course, until they did.

**AN: I'm back.**

**Pheeeeeew. **

**Basically, as I stated earlier, this story is for me, I just think that other people might be able to get some joy or appreciation or anything resembling affection from it. When I stop having fun writing it, I'll stop writing it. This chapter is very slightly longer than the other ones, around 6.5k words instead of ~5. That isn't because I wanted to make up for the 81 day gap between the previous chapter and this one. No excuses, no johns, I just struggle with getting through the boring stuff, and the going was tough and slow for a long while. I would write like a few hundred words a week, just having trouble pacing and ordering and fact-checking all the basic stuff. However, I'm happy to say that, although I don't know how long it will take for me to write the next chapter (I made the idiotic mistake of thinking I could guess the general timeframe last chapter), I can say that I'm done with this one. I never abandoned the story, nor did I consider abandoning it. I just couldn't find them good good words, and didn't want to write bad ones in their stead.**

**Also something to look forward to is the future of this story. The more I think about the way I want the plot to go about****—****frantically jotting down notes after getting out of the shower, typing down an interesting idea I got at 1:00 AM when I couldn't sleep, or just looking through my old backlog of weird ideas and possibilities for stories I have in my notes app****—****the more excited I get. I've been trying to throw in little clues for the (what I think are) pretty good ideas I'll incorporate when the time comes. It's just hard to write when the time isn't here yet, but that excitement for the future of this story is definitely one of the driving factors in this story's continued survival. I even, when stuck in perhaps the worst of the drought I had for this chapter, just whammed out 1,300 words of shit I knew was gonna happen later on in the story. It was only a single moment, but I kept thinking "Oh, when I get to this part it will be so good," and to prove to myself that I could get to it, to clarify the image of the story that I had solely in my mind, I just wrote it out.**

**Maybe the next chapter will be done by next week, maybe it will be next year. I want to reassure everyone who might be worrying that I'll just go radio silence or something after a chapter by saying that, as I said in the first chapter (I think), if I ever decide I'm not going to continue the story, I'll make another post on this story saying all of my fucking amazing ideas and letting everyone know how cool the concepts were, at least, even if maybe the writing isn't up to par to make those ideas as powerful as possible.**

**Alright, I should stop wasting space and time. Thanks for reading if you read all of this, and super duper extra thanks for coming back to the story if you last read it 81 days ago. That's not easy, and I know you probably don't remember everything, but it means a ton to me. Plus the frankly awe-inspiring amount of views and follows my story got in its first few chapters were absolutely gob-smacking.**

**One last thing: Byleth in Smash? Pretty dope. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who was excited though.**


	6. Day 3

**Great Tree Moon, 4/22 1180 (Tuesday)**

Professor's Log, Day 3: "Introduction, Instruction, and an Interruption"

I woke up between 6:00 and 7:00 again, but I still felt tired. Not wanting to start my day yet, but also wanting to pretend I was doing something, I went to the bathhouse. There, I sedately washed off, trying to wake up. I had a song stuck in my head, and with no small amount of longing I realized that I'd probably never get to hear it again. Never hear it, nor any other music I had known. I think, if this was the only thing that had happened to me, without all of this other shit I've had to go through, the realization would've caused me to freak out, cry, that sort of stuff—music was _very_ important to me. But, being so dulled to tragedy by now, the realization instead just sank into my stomach like I'd eaten a rock, and I didn't stop washing myself off. My mind kept coming back to a piece of advice I'd heard before being brought to Fódlan: "Each separate attack must be delivered with intent to kill." That was how it felt, each morning being punched, again and again, each one by itself strong enough to not just blow my ship off course, but shatter it completely. This was just a single tempest in a storm of storms, and so it was almost a blessing that it wasn't blindsiding me completely by itself.

Byleth, evidently unable to understand quite what music had meant to me, left me to mourn while I washed. The strangeness of my situation and out-of-place feeling I had within my new body was also dulled somewhat by just how many hurricanes had hit me—sure, I'm in the body of a video game character, but more importantly, I'm in the _world_ of a video game character. And I had killed people. Two of them.

Dressed, I stood outside and watched the sun go up. I had missed dawn while I was in the bathhouse, but I saw the post-dawn sun climb higher in the sky. My hair was still wet and cool on my neck, and it made me shiver. The sun was trying its best to counteract the chill, but I could barely feel anything more than a slight warmth on the front of my face. Nevertheless, just feeling a real sensation from a fictional sun in a fictional world was still throwing me for a loop, even three days later. Something just boggled my mind thinking about how everything around me was real. I thought about how when I first came to this world, I was immediately optimistically coming up with ideas and plans. It was only later that I realized what was actually going on. What everything actually meant.

I would've liked quite a lot to sit around and do nothing but watch the sun continue to rise. But I had become a professor, and professors have responsibilities. Inside my room, I grabbed the lesson plans Hanneman had given to me, and then headed to breakfast in the dining hall. Eating alone, I read over the plans for the first day nervously. From what I could tell, that would be tomorrow. Today, my hurdle was revealing myself to my students and breaking the ice. Of course, I had already met all of them, but acting as their professor would be a different story. I ended up deciding that I'd just have to be stoic and blitz through it. Not a reassuring thought, to be sure, but it comforted me in the way that at least I didn't need to think about it anymore.

Reading the lesson plan, I started thinking about if I could really teach people—real, living people—people who were older than me—people who I had never met before. Weren't you supposed to go to teacher school for years before teaching or something? How was I going to teach people how to fight when I didn't know myself? Or how to use magic, when I had no experience of my own? Or, perhaps most crucially, how was I going to lead those people into battles, battles the likes of which I have no experience fighting in and winning, with the assurance that they _wouldn't die?_ Yes, I had Byleth, but Byleth isn't controlling her body. I need to be able to contribute _something_ to this team of minds in every endeavor, otherwise we'll be trying to reach a harder ending with just a handicapped Byleth.

Hanneman's lesson plan was maybe better described as a guideline of important things to teach the students before the mock battle. The mock battle being at the end of the month, and it being the 22nd now, I was definitely skimped on time. The majority of Hanneman's notes were on battle strategy, stuff that Byleth said was pretty barebones, I guess to set a blueprint for the year of learning. Now, I wasn't exactly sure what I was being expected to teach, but abstracting from the game I supposed it was a mixture of weapons usage and strategy.

_Hey, Byleth?_

_Yes?_

_Doesn't this seem… like, not very useful?_

_Hanneman's lesson plan?_

_Yeah. I agree that all of the things he wrote down very important things, but like… this doesn't seem to be the best use of a few days before a battle, if you're planning to win. Right?_ Suddenly, I felt like I had overstepped my bounds. I didn't know anything about actual, real strategy.

_Hmm… _Byleth thought, and I was about to interrupt her with an apology when she said, _I'd agree with you. Most of this is not as applicable to the mock battle as it is to strategical theory as a whole. For instance, that scenario on the second page with the reinforcements—if we are trying to prepare for the students for the mock battle, why would we need to talk about reinforcements?_

Feeling lucky but slightly vindicated, I tentatively said, _I have no idea if this is right, but wouldn't it be more effective to do something to help them work together better? Because you can tell them all the strategy in the world, but if the mock battle is small and us two will be doing all the strategizing, it wouldn't help them at all. But teamwork is applicable to any situation, and it'd be the best bang for your buck in this short timeframe._

_It depends on what we instruct the students to do to improve their teamwork, but I would agree with you that it could be the most efficient._

_Oh, then—_

I felt a flash of panic and looked up from the sheet of notes. Stealthily looking towards each exit, I saw a group of Golden Deer students making their way into the hall—I saw Raphael, Hilda, and a few others. To avoid a potential situation in which any of them sit next to me, I got up and left the hall out of an exit from which I hadn't seen any kids I knew. And I thanked my paranoia and social uncomfortableness for making me periodically look up unconsciously during my thought conversation with Byleth.

Seteth had said, at the end of the meeting where I'd been assigned my house, to be in the classroom of the class I'd teach at 8:00, so, the seventh bell having only just rung, I had some time to kill.

_What do I do for like an hour while we wait?_ I asked Byleth, just seeing if she had any ideas.

_Perhaps most efficient in terms of time and usefulness would be to prepare for today and tomorrow—revise Hanneman's lesson plan and such._

_Yeah, that makes sense. _I liked that answer. I'd get to spend some time alone, which it felt like I was sorely missing out on… even though I had just been alone for more than an hour… really, now that I think about it, I probably just wanted to avoid talking to people. And wait, does that mean that Byleth also wanted to get away? Or was she just predicting my thoughts and trying to be nice? This stuff is too complicated.

After a while spent alone in my room, the bell rang gravely to signal eight o'clock. A pit had slowly solidified in my stomach, and I struggled to cast it out. I would have liked so much to not be at the monastery, to be able to lay in bed all day, to never have to step outside my comfort zone.

I took a deep breath at the door to my room, trying to convince myself that it would be fine—my reasoning being that in the game Byleth barely has to talk and shit happens for her. I knew that it wouldn't be life-threatening, and it probably wouldn't even be that bad. I knew it, but the irrational side of my brain couldn't accept it.

And before I knew it, I was standing at the door to the classroom. I wasn't sure if the students were going to be in yet or not, but, just in case, I tried to mentally prepare myself.

_We ready?_ I asked Byleth, much more for my sake than hers.

_Of course. Lead the way._

The doors opened with a creak, and I was greeted with… an empty classroom. An empty, _red _classroom. I'd walked up to the wrong room. I quickly shut the door to the Black Eagle classroom and sauntered down to the other end of the row of classrooms, hoping no one had seen. Also, I thought to myself as I was opening the door to the Golden Deer classroom, it was pretty obvious no one would be inside, otherwise the door would be open. I sat myself behind the desk and waited. And waited. Of course this would happen. This _always_ happens when I have to wait for someone. The thoughts that maybe I had went to the wrong spot or it wasn't until tomorrow both crossed my mind.

_Byleth, do you remember when Seteth said to be here? I'm sure that it was supposed to be now…_

_I recall the same as you._

_Then was there a miscommunication? Maybe, the students—_

Claude walked into the room.

"Just the face I wanted to see, Byle—or, should I say, Teach?"

"Well, I'm honored."

"I guess that dinner really did sway you, huh?" Claude looked smug.

"Sorry, but I had already chosen. Your efforts were in vain."

He laughed. I inwardly sighed with relief at having said something right, though I was already feeling much better with Claude having shown up at all, because it meant that I hadn't gotten the time wrong.

"Most of the Golden Deer is having breakfast, and should be here soon. I just wanted to be here bright and early, as the class head."

I thought about saying something funny, like "oh, so it wasn't because you wanted to spend more time with me?" But I didn't say it, because I barely knew Claude, and I couldn't help but feel that it had a different connotation now that I'm not a guy. Back on Earth, all of my jokes like that were self-deprecating—it's funny because there's no way that you would be coming to spend more time with me—which makes those sorts of jokes now seem… I don't know, maybe this is egotistical to say, but they would have a connotation of accusation in them. Plus, in this world, I hadn't spent more than a few hours with Claude. I didn't know him yet.

Time passed. Claude and I were having a tentative conversation when Leonie walked in. I had only spoken to her once, so I greeted her and announced myself as her professor. She said some stuff about Jeralt or whatever, but I was already expecting that. In a way, her single-mindedness helped calm me down, if only slightly. That was unusual, because honestly I didn't really like her pre-timeskip, but post-timeskip I think she grows a lot as a character and becomes more nuanced.

A few minutes later came the crew that was having breakfast. It looked like Raphael, Hilda, Ignatz, and Marianne.

"Oh, it's you!" Raphael said. "Didja decide to join Golden Deer then?"

"I did," I said, "but not as a student. I'm going to be your professor."

"_You're _our professor? Even though you look like you're almost the same age as us?" chimed in Hilda.

"Well, Byleth is the child of Jeralt; there's no way she wouldn't be qualified, training under him every day," Leonie said.

"Jeralt? That name sounds familiar…" Ignatz said, and thought for a second. "Wasn't Jeralt the name of that famous former captain of the Knights of Seiros? I thought that he had been killed."

"Jeralt is much too strong to die in battle! There's no opponent he can't beat!" Leonie said defensively. Byleth and I silently promised to ourselves that we'd make what she said true.

_Damn,_ I thought. _I don't even have to talk._

_It's the advantage of being the "silent type," _Byleth said to me.

_Silent but deadly, like a ninja—or a fart._

While they were all chatting, the last two members of Golden Deer, Lysithia and Lorenz, arrived, one after the other.

Lysithia's eyes widened slightly when she saw me, and she said, "Are you… You're going to be our teacher?"

_Clever girl,_ Byleth commented.

_I feel like I might've made a bargain way out of my depth with someone like her… _I said. _Is she really fifteen?_

Lorenz started some shpiel about being honored to be taught by someone as talented and beautiful as blah blah blah whatever. Frankly, I was just relieved that things were going well, and that I didn't have to talk, so not a word of what he was saying really penetrated me, and the conversation carried on.

Eventually, though, I needed to speak up and get to business. I softly cleared my throat—no one heard me. So, I just told Bylth to start speaking, and as she spoke the class's chattering just naturally petered out.

"As all of you are surely aware by now, I am going to lead this class for the foreseeable future. As most of you have probably heard, I am the daughter of former-now-not-former Captain of the Knights of Seiros Jeralt, whom you may know as the Blade Breaker. I say this not to brag or to give you any undue feelings of admiration or subservience—it is merely fact. And lastly, as all of you will soon find out, this is my first foray into teaching—"

"Question, Professor!" Lysithea interrupted.

_Sheesh._

"Yes, Lysithea?" I reluctantly answered.

"With all due respect, is there any assurance that your ability to teach will match that of your ability for fighting? In other words, both other Professors tenured at the Monastery, Hanneman and Manuela, have taught for years. What guarantee is there that the Golden Deer will receive a similar level of instruction from a self-proclaimed novice Professor?"

_Jesus, it sounds like she's indicting me or something._ Her words all sounded thought-out, as if in the time it took her to interrupt me she had already decided exactly what she was going to say.

_We are in her home territory, after all, _Byleth said to me. _In the land of knowledge, Lysithea wishes to be unmatched—it's only natural she would hope to get the best instruction possible._

_Oh… _I said, feeling like an idiot. _That actually makes a ton of sense now._

Leonie started to interject, saying, "the Professor was taught by—" but then I interrupted her.

"Excellent question." I said, loudly.

Leonie stopped and looked to me, her surprised expression matched by Lysithea.

"Exactly as you say, I can give no guarantee of my ability to teach, however skilled in combat or battle theory I may or may not be." I said, and stopped. For a four count.

Lysithea's expression turned dubious during the awkward silence.

"Then…" She started before trailing off.

"I give no guarantee, leaving only the guarantee of Alois, who recommended me for this position; Jeralt, who decided my skills would be suitable for a position at the Monastery; and, of course, Lady Rhea, who in her own judgement gave me this position standing before you now. To put it another way, until such time that my teaching skills are either proven or disproven, the only thing you can do is take the word of the head of this Monastery, the Captain of the Monastery's guard, and the former Captain of such. I truly apologize if this is not enough assurance for you, and will help fill out your form to transfer classes if you so wish."

I didn't really intend to embarrass her, but it was the only response I could think of. Even still I saw her cheeks darken, so to avoid putting the entire class's pressure on her I quickly moved on.

"As I was saying, this is my first time ever teaching, so I must ask all of you to please bear with me as I get my bearings." I stopped and looked around. "Now, on to business. There are only two things I need to get through today, and they are both fairly short. The first is that real classes start tomorrow. There is no need to prepare as long as you bring something with which to take notes, and your brain. Secondly, and more excitingly for all of you, the mock battle between the three houses is at the end of the month, next Wednesday, the 30th, meaning we only have one week to prepare. In my opinion, learning battle strategy would be less effective for this battle than learning teamwork, so I'll be focusing more on how to work together until after we've won the mock battle."

_Wait, can we lose the mock battle?_

_I don't see why we couldn't, _Byleth said.

_Nah, but we can definitely do it, right?_ I asked, worried.

Byleth paused for a moment before saying _I'm sure we can._ Her not being someone that minces words, that actually meant something.

"Any questions?"

No one said anything. And, to be honest, I'm glad there weren't any, because I didn't actually know very much about the mock battle. In the game, you can only bring in a couple units, but that wouldn't make much sense in reality. And were we supposed to know where it would take place to be able to either plan a strategy, or at least to keep in mind? Stuff like that I had no idea about.

"Alright then, if anyone has any questions they did not get to ask in class or wants to talk to me one-on-one, they can leave a note in my room in the lower dorms, or can find me somewhere in the Monastery. Other than that, then I'll see you back here tomorrow, where you can expect more information about the mock battle and a more defined plan of how we'll prepare."

The students filtered out talking amongst themselves. It was weird, having a day just to meet the students, but I guess because which house you teach is so important, then it kinda makes sense. I guess it could also be a way to ease teachers and students into the new year, like how back at my high school the first day of school would be on a Tuesday, and we'd have the Monday off.

Claude left last, saying that I'd be welcome to eat dinner with the students if I ever wanted to. After he was gone, it was just me. Well, me and Byleth. I sighed deeply; it was over. I felt kind of embarrassed though, because I felt mentally exhausted when the only thing I did was give my mind to Byleth and let her talk the whole time. And I think she did really well—I, at least, definitely couldn't have done better.

_Welp, we have the rest of the day off now, huh? _

_It appears so, _Byleth responded.

_Got any ideas of what to do? _I asked her.

_There's a lot, actually, _she said. _First of all, we have to edit Hanneman's notes—or better yet, create a completely new lesson plan. We also have to find out more information about the mock battle, both for us and our new students, which means talking to either Seteth or Lady Rhea. And on top of that, I need to start teaching you how to pronounce—what did you call the Fódlan language in your world, "Japanese?"—so you don't have to always be concentrating on giving me the mouth, improving our productivity. Anything else?_

_Hmm… _I thought. Frankly it was daunting, laying it all out like that. _That's a long list—a good start. There is one thing I still want to try. Well, technically two things, but I'm not holding out hope on one of them. _I said, beginning to make my way towards the audience chamber to find Seteth.

_What would those be?_

_I want to try divine pulsing again, for one. That's the one I don't feel very good about, but it'd be stupid to dismiss it as an impossibility unless we've tried as hard as possible to do it. The other one is to try using magic. I know you're obviously capable of it, having played the game, but I want to see if I'm interfering with it in some way. Or, who knows, it could be that we can only use magic when you're the one conjuring it, or something like that._

_I concur. Evidence gathering is crucial this early—we need to have a solid understanding of our toolbox to be able to know we're using every tool available._

_Oh, also,_ I said to her, making my way up the stairs to the second floor. _For some longer-term goals I think we should keep our eyes on: definitely we need to be working with Hanneman to figure out the shit regarding the Crest of Flames, if we can somehow get rid of whatever I'm doing that's masking over it. That involves seeing if it goes off in battle, but I'm not really expecting it to. And the second is to begin interacting with all of the students, especially ones from my house and all of the house leaders._

I was almost to the audience chamber. _But damn,_ I concluded, _there's really so much shit we have to do._

Seteth was talking to somebody when I entered the room. Getting closer I could make out that it was Flayn. And it was, surprisingly, the first time I'd seen her. In the game, don't you meet her when you're choosing your house?

Flayn looked at me with bright eyes, breaking away from her conversation with her "brother."

"Are you the new Professor?" she asked. At my nod, she said, "I've been looking forward to meeting you! I am Flayn, Seteth's younger sister."

"Will that be all then, Flayn?" Seteth asked. "It seems our newest Professor would like a word with me."

"Oh, yes. Thank you for your help, Brother," she said, and scurried out of the way.

"Now, do you need anything?" he asked me.

"I would like some clarification on the specifics of the mock battle to tell my students. Will every student be participating? And furthermore, am I supposed to know where this battle is taking place to form a strategy or discuss terrain advantages and disadvantages with my students? I would also—"

"Okay, okay," he said over me, stopping my flow of questions. "I guess no one has told you yet, then. Located in the Library you can find a formal write-up of each house's respective monthly assignments. The forms cover all the minutiae of the assignment to avoid long questions like these."

Sheesh Seteth, why are you being such a dick? There was no way for me to have known that! It wasn't in the game…

If _I_ had to speak, then it might have been through gritted teeth, but in Byleth's cool tone she responded, "Thank you for your information. Sorry to have bothered you."

"It is no matter," he said, maybe looking very slightly guilty. "And it is reassuring at least that you are taking such an interest in your duties as a Professor. This mock battle is as much as a test for you as it is for your students; do not disappoint the archbishop."

I left swiftly.

Write-up from library in hand, I trudged back to my room and got to work. Reading the write-up came first, and then I started to edit Hanneman's notes. It was slow work, but it's not like I had anything fun to do if I finished more quickly. Eventually, Hanneman's writing was almost all scribbled out, with plenty of penned-in notes in Byleth's crisp handwriting (after I utterly failed to write Japanese characters neatly or quickly, I had let her take the wheel) in all of the margins in a bright red. Looking over the mess of a lesson plan, I grimaced and grabbed a clean sheet of paper, and together we laboriously copied everything we were keeping down onto it.

After I finished, it appeared to be around lunchtime. I wasn't particularly hungry, so I moved onto the next task as soon as I was done.

I sat in silence for several minutes, straining to turn back the clock.

_C'mon clock… turn the fuck back! Give me this one fucking power!_

_Lucien_, Byleth said, _I can hear you._

_Oh, right. Sorry._

It was no use.

Moving quickly on, Byleth started me on Crash Course: Japanese Pronunciation. It was gruelling work. Frustrating, too, because no matter how hard I tried it ended just sounding… off.

Obviously it was going to be hard to go from no knowledge of Japanese save anime to speaking fluently, but come on! I'm in a Japanese person's body—well, one who speaks Japanese—shouldn't that count for something?!

We started making a little bit of progress once we figured out that, with a lot of intense focus, we could share a body part, and move it around at the same time. It felt weird, like we were using two different controllers to control the same character, but it let me really feel exactly what it was that was making her Japanese sound, well, Japanese. It was still really hard, and we kept losing focus and breaking the sharing. Well, I say we, but really it was mostly me.

I opened the door to my room to grab some late lunch, and to my shock a shadowy darkness had settled over Garreg Mach. Heading to the dining hall, I found that it wasn't just nighttime? but it was past dinner; a completely empty dining hall greeted me upon my arrival. My stomach didn't even feel that empty, but it must've been well over twelve hours since I'd last eaten.

I briefly looked around, walking tentatively into the dining hall, before deciding that the potential trouble I could get in for "sneaking around late at night" was more important than my slight hunger. Besides, who knew if there was even still food available? All the staff were gone, so would it be in the kitchen in the hall? The storeroom?

Slightly creeped out by the eerie quiet and thoroughly convinced that I wouldn't be able tog et food in the first place, I turned and walked out of the hall, my pace quickening as I approached the door. Then, suddenly, I collided with someone, who let out a frightened yelp, and we both fell on our asses.

I thought that maybe it was a guard, checking the perimeter, or Jeritza, out to scout the area for his kidnapping, or even Rhea, out for a midnight stroll. Whoever it was, I was sure I was in big trouble, with either the monastery or Those Who Slither.

I stood myself up, and the person who collided with me scrambled to their feet, and we met eyes, Purple on Red. It's Lysithea. I let out a shaky sigh, and my hand (which I'd given to Byleth, just in case) drifted away from the back of my waist, where my dagger lay.

"P-Professor?!" Lysithea shakily stammers out, her breath coming in rapid, unsteady gasps. "You're not a… a ghost, are you?"

Oh, yeah. That's what this is.

"No, Lysithea. I am not a ghost. I just wanted dinner." I speak calmly, hiding the fact that I, too, had been briefly scared witless myself, both to cover my appearance and to calm her down upon seeing me so collected.

She drew close to me, her wide eyes scanning my whole body. Then, almost unconsciously, she relaxed, but stayed in that close proximity.

"It's just you, then," she finally says.

"Just me," I confirm. "Where were you off to?"

"Me? I was—" she cuts off, thinking for a moment, but quickly makes up her mind. "I guess there's no point in hiding it from you. Not when you already know so much."

Unfortunately, I already knew what she was talking about.

"Come with me," she says, and grabs the top of my cape. "I'll buy your silence."

She leads me behind the kitchen, then opens up a room behind the wall with a twist of the knob. Inside are shelves of food, mostly ingredients, but there are a few ice boxes—or would they be refrigerators? Some magic-powered cooling device—and she opens one of them. Inside are rows upon rows of deserts; I see at least half of a cake, several slices of different flavors of cheesecake, and other pastries and delicacies that I couldn't name.

"Don't worry," she told me, grabbing a slice of cheesecake sitting upon a plate and shoving it into my hands, "this _isn't_ stealing. These are the leftovers from today. The kitchen staff usually share them the day after, but they've given me permission to take some."

"Impressive," I said, and meant it. And then I ate the cheesecake.

Not much time was spared for chatting as we gorged ourselves on sweets. I briefly thought how this must be the C support, but banished the thought from my mind. This wasn't a game. It wasn't.

"I am impressed, Professor. You ate almost as much as me. I trust this is enough to buy your secrecy?"

I nodded. "Your secret is safe with me."

"If you tell anyone that this is here, then…" she trailed off, probably realizing that it wouldn't be in good form to threaten a professor. "Just don't, alright?"

Once again, I nodded.

"A-And also… not that I believe that ghosts are real… but, well… an assassin! In the case of an assassin attack, you should escort me to my room."

_Is she even trying?_ I asked myself.

_She's opening up. You should be happy._

_No, I am. It's just amusing._

_You're right. You do sound happy,_ Byleth said. And she seemed happy too.

Having bid Lysithea fare-thee-well at her dorm, I snuck back down to my room. My body didn't protest too much as I lay in bed, but I could tell it wasn't happy to have so much sugar on an empty stomach.

Maybe because of the frequent distractions I'd had throughout the day, or because of the effort I'd put in to learning Japanese, or because of the sweet taste lingering in my mouth, or because of the shenanigans I'd just been a part of, but I managed to slip off to sleep easily, before the nausea hit. Before I realized that the hands with which I'd just eaten cheesecake were stained with blood to the bone, or before I remembered the sickening ease with which blade goes through flesh. Or before I remembered the things I'd been forced to leave behind, my family and friends that I'd never see again. Or before I remembered the shitstorm about to come.

No.

Those would wait until morning.

**It's been another hot minute. As I've said before, I make no promises aside from that I'll make an update if I ever decide to stop writing this story. But, as I'm writing more, I keep getting more and more ideas, and now I really want to get to the point where I can start implementing them, but, at the pace I'm going now, that won't be for a little while. Even still, I'm still studiously keeping notes as to the cool or interesting things I want to add, so rest assured knowing that as long as I don't say that I'm stopping, these ideas will eventually be brought to light.**

**Minor house cleaning, but I changed the dates of the story to make it actually accurate with the game (I started on 4/24, and I've since learned that the game starts on 4/20, so I changed it). That doesn't really mean anything, and didn't really change any of the dialogue, but even still! It's nice to be more accurate. **

**Lastly, I know it probably seems like Lysithea is the only character that's going to be relevant, but it just so happened that the story has aligned to make all of the Lysithea bits happen first. I plan on deeply going into probably almost every character. Lysithea is just a start.**

**Okay, stay safe.**


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